My heart goes out to you,
@TheSameIdiot . I'm in a similar boat- I tried for
years- a decade or more- to put aside differences with my Dad's side of the family. They've always been Bible thumpers and had the "hate the sin, love the sinner" mindset. Long story short, especially after my parent's divorce, I didn't really have a family beyond my Mom and sister- everyone else was so toxic toward us and/or each other. My dad's side flat out denied the abuse he bestowed upon us despite having heavy evidence, called us all sorts of horrible names, told me I was gonna burn in hell for being gay, and my sister was gonna burn because she got pregnant at 18, etc. After my Dad died, communication was cut off cold turkey. For my own mental health, I started attempting a relationship with them a few years back, both to help quell the growing bitterness, but also out of some deep sense of longing for a family, I'm sure. They were reciprocal up to a point, but it was an uphill, one-sided battle. I was even willing to set aside the fact that I never got any sort of apology from them for their past words/actions. I even ignored the advice of others that seeing my old family again wasn't a good idea.
Then came the Trump presidency, and suddenly all these horrible things they'd said and done in the name of the Lord became tame compared to what they started to say. Sadly and selfishly, I kept hanging on to hope that something could still be salvaged or I could change their mind somehow, but it became clearer and clearer that they were going to take these opinions to their grave. It recontextualized everything- every little bit of kindness, the rare, fleeting moments they showed tolerance for my sexuality, their lack of taking responsibility, everything. I can't double-think every smile or compliment or act of support (at least any more than I already do). I can't afford to betray my own morals or those of the people I love in order to please someone who'd never even consider doing the same. Even the good family members- of which there's a few- who don't support Trump and don't agree with my family members who do, they've remained unfortunately passive about things. They'll apologize to me in secret after the fact, but they'll make excuses. They don't speak to the family member themselves and tell them not to say something, etc. And I get it- nobody likes confrontation, but it really becomes tiring and damaging to your trust; it's something that I think we see every June for Pride Month- this passive allyship that pops up when it's appropriate or trendy, but there's little-to-no action to back in up the rest of the year. In the past, I may have been more appreciative of the little things, but in such times where it's literally life or death, those little moments aren't enough. It's like asking for bullet proof glass and getting a chain-link fence. It became clear they didn't really love me, they loved the
idea of me- the
idea of a grandson that could carry on the lineage, as long as he denied everything about him and followed these rules he'd had drilled into him as a kid. It broke my heart to have to do, to cut off contact again and to realize I'll never have that family unit that I so desperately crave (at least by blood- I am, of course, learning the value of found family more and more), but there's no denying it's the right move.
That's the tricky thing about situations like this involving loved ones- it seems like it should be black and white, right or wrong, but it's so much more complicated than that, especially when dealing with all this unresolved trauma. You have to be okay with not having answers, not having resolution, which is easy for some, but for overthinkers like myself, it's tough, and never fun to have to fill in those blanks yourself. It's times like these that remind me I'm never quite as healed as I think I am with my issues. I've definitely grown and evolved in many ways, but it's disheartening how easy it is to chip away at that protective barrier and see there's still that scared, lonely kid inside. At times I'm grateful for it- it gives me sympathy and empathy that many others don't have, but it also means I'm overly sensitive to things I don't need to be, and always unable to fully rest, having to please both my present and past self.
Anyway. All this is a
very long way to say that I feel for you, my friend, and I don't envy anyone the position of having to make that decision with family. It should give me some solace that I'm not alone in my feelings and struggle, but knowing there's so many folks dealing with so much pain, it really sucks.
