The Relationship Overshare Thread

[Ru1977]

It's amazing how many women are willing to save us if we let them. I don't know what they see in us or how they see it.

That is a great point, and I've thought similar things about my wife many, many times. Probably even this week. When we met, we worked together and we started out as friends, and we developed a really solid, honest friendship. Yes I was hopelessly attracted to her, but so what. And as I got to know her, I was extremely honest with her about all sorts of things, like romantic past, sincere and deep thoughts on pretty much anything that occurred to me, all sorts of things one probably wouldn't normally confess to someone they're hoping to romance. I showed her all sorts of belly and under the hood and other metaphors. And she really saw me for me, I REALLY showed her who I was, what I was about, and what I want in life.... and she went for me anyway. And continues to do so. Yeah I've changed a lot, especially with the kids, and grown a little bit and so on, and I don't know if any of that was really by design. But we still, daily, just talk. About what's going on, what we're thinking. It was such a wonderful foundation.

 

[RunestoneCowboy]

Whoa, this is really messing with me as I read all your posts with the Stranger/Sam Elliott’s voice and cadence in my head. At least i can still read FinFangFoom’s posts in a Gomez Addams voice.

If it helps maintain the illusion, this is how I wear my hair.

 

[altcunningham]

@TheSameIdiot
"From what I understand, the apps let you filter out enough that you may as well build your dream partner in a lab. Then again, I wouldn't be surprised if politics wasn't an available filter."

The trick is people lie.

When you flip through apps, suddenly the global populace claims they do yoga and gym and enjoy hikes and doing things because that's what all the coaches and marketing tell you to do. Enjoying Netflix and ice cream from the tub and never leaving your house doesn't really sell even though that is the reality for a lot of people.

You very quickly learn when you're dating in business mode how boring the majority of people are, but because dating is social media to they show you the highest of highlights and then fudge it on top.

People will claim they like cats or dogs. They lie about hobbies. They will give performative politics and stances when they are actually the opposite because they are aware of the stigma.

Certainly men will lie. That's because dating is solely a numbers game, and you can look at the data for every app where women are the majority. It is the seller's market for them. Getting a match means nothing. Having a conversation means nothing. Getting the number means nothing. Even locking down the date means nothing these days.

According to some women on social, if you really want to get insidious, there are men who claim to be feminists and allies and very progressive because real they are fully aware of they have Coral snake don't come near me colors. They are aware of the problems of their politics. But they need a woman. So they will lie into to get the date where they can then their attempt a psychological takeover. How common this is. I cannot say because you got to take social media with salt, but having been a bartender and a professional eavesdropper, even before the apps and social media, yeah people were that playing fast and loose with who they are versus what they needed to be.

I'm only into women, but my experience is even there people keep opinions and beliefs close to the chest because they know they have a questionable if not abhorrent take. Same reason people look around the room before they drop a racist joke.

My original rant on that political thing - where I was going with that was I tend to attract younger women. And I think part of that's because mentally and pop culturally I'm in tune with younger things and cool stuff, and especially because I am open-minded a lot of things, I tend to click with them more even though I don't really search for that.

It just happens that we are in a space where being progressive lines up with the younger generations values, and thanks to pop culture, anime and comics and games and everything we probably got ostracized and beat up for is now cool. And thanks to the internet. A lot of that old content is timeless and still new and accessible and makes for good touchstones.

The flip side is, is that really worth it to then have someone go? Oh were you around for 9/11? I was born 5 years later. Oh, my original Warcraft warrior is older than you. Yikes.

Sometimes with some people it really helps me understand that they live in an entirely different world and how foreign our world pre-2000 was.

So yeah the people I have in common, the social stigma of age gaps does no favors. The people I try to shoot for because of that tends to be of an older world mindset and not wanting to change.

 

[Red Ogre]

A widower friend of mine looks like a slightly less bald Brian Posehn. His hobbies include weed, snacks, and art. He has been described by a coworker (at a college art museum) as the most woke (aka, socially aware) person in the building. On the dating apps he has to thin out offers to women over 35. He's as shocked as anyone but apparently the dating pool is so full of piss and band-aids that he's considered a "catch".

 

[joshsquash729]

The trick is people lie.

They certainly do, but the other other thing is that, aside from lying, some people are just totally not self-aware. They really do see themselves as certain things, which makes it even more tricky. Men especially (on both sides of the aisle, I'll admit), may genuinely see themselves as a feminist because they're not opposed to watching rom-coms or they voted for a woman once or something silly. Just like you'll get gay men who say they're open to any type of person, but will quickly turn down anyone who doesn't meet their incredibly narrow definition of beauty (true for some straight men as well).

Then you have the folks that aren't lying, per se, but just aren't enough of something to truly be considered it. People always put their best foot forward on dating apps, so they may kinda puff themselves up in places where they shouldn't. A form of lying, granted, but at least there's some wiggle room. Like you said, some folks are just so desperate to find someone that they'll do anything to seem desirable.

One thing's for certain- dating apps are the worst, and for people who are perhaps a little too self-aware like myself, it can be really tough to make a decent profile. I don't like how I look in any pictures, and I suddenly forget all about myself when people ask me to describe myself. My boyfriend and I actually met on a dating app that neither of us had any expectations for, but were both incredibly happy to be off of. We were both pretty much the only success story either of us had on those apps, too, aside from a few awkward dates here and there. I don't fault anyone for using them- they do work every now and then- but I don't miss them at all.

 

[Justice]

To share or not to share, that is the question. I've been in ONE relationship in my life. I am 45 years old. It was a miserable time for me the 4 long months that lasted. I'm not terribly unattractive and people like me but if there is just one thing in life I absolutely do not have the energy for, it is being in a relationship. I don't enjoy intimacy. I don't wanna get nakey with anybody. I don't want to be responsible for anyone's feelings or well-being. I just want to focus on me and that is what I have done now for 45 years. I'm not even remotely lonely. I LOVE being alone. When I get off work on Friday afternoon if I have to do anything but be alone at home then I feel my weekend is ruined. I hate having commitments to anyone for anything. If there was ever anyone who could move to an isolated cabin in the middle of nowhere and never see a human again and not go insane, that would be me.

I literally have not had actual sex since 2013. Maybe I'm asexual? If I wanted it I would go get it but it's just not something I want to focus energy on seeking out. The idea of dating or intimacy feels exhausting to me. Women (especially older ones, Jesus Christ the cougars are a relentless species) throw themselves at me but I am totally gay. I don't have men throwing themselves at me because I don't ping their gaydar. People do not believe me when I tell them I am gay. The women think I'm just saying that because I'm not interested in them. I gave up years ago on even advertising the fact anymore.

I do love flirting with straight guys because it's like dogs chasing cars. I don't really want to catch the car and don't know what I'd do with it if I caught it. I just like chasing the car. Ocassionally the flirting with straight guys has turned into more and the dog has caught the car. I have no idea where I'm going with this. It's been a hard day at work and I had a strong margarita. Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk.

 

[joshsquash729]

To share or not to share, that is the question.

I feel ya, friend. It's a lot of work at times, and you have to be prepared to have moments- long or short- where you're the one shouldering the responsibility for one or both of you, and I don't think anyone can really be faulted for not wanting or not being able to do that. It can be draining. It can also be rewarding. It all just depends on the combination.

Let's be real- some gay guys are exhausting. That's one stereotype that isn't entirely untrue (though can be said of anyone, regardless of sexuality, as well). I've said it before and I'll say it again- if I didn't like men, I would hate men. The whole "gay lifestyle" of going to the gym, going to the club, staying out late, drinking and doing drugs and socializing and hooking up and all that- just feels exhausting to me. I've never been that type, and I don't see that ever changing. Not that there's anything wrong with all that- whatever floats your chode, so to speak. But it's true that a lot of other gays I've met don't get that, or are turned off by it, or think I'm a "bad gay" because I'm not out there promoting and normalizing the lifestyle and all that. I know for a fact I've lost out on some relationships in the past because I didn't want to be out in a sticky, sweaty, loud club until 4 in the morning. But that's fine by me! I like myself and my company enough that I can have a great time regardless. I not only want, but need my quiet time. I'll socialize, but it's gotta be under my own terms, or else I'm just no fun to be around. And yet, as much as society or other gays would try and have you believe, I do think that the majority of us are pretty boring ourselves. "The Gay Agenda" can be, and often is, just sitting around watching TV, having a snack, etc.

I think that's the real key- so many people try to find a relationship to fill a hole in them that can only be filled by themselves (sounds dirty, but you know what I mean). Or to prove someone wrong- especially in the gay world, where we're taught that we're not meant to be happy, etc. But if you've already found that in yourself, then you're way ahead of many others, and if you don't need the company of someone else in order to see that, then more power to you! I applaud you for not falling into those traps we often set for ourselves or our communities. Don't feel like you have to be or do any certain thing- society puts enough pressure on us as gay men to live up to certain standards, both for other gays and for straights. It sounds like you're pretty content with yourself and where you're at, and I think that's awesome. Intimacy, be it physical, emotional, whatever- is different for everyone, and should never be forced. If it happens, awesome. If not, that's fine too. Some people who can and do procreate shouldn't, so it all evens out. But none of it means anything if you're not invested, so don't force it. Maybe you're just an easy guy to please!

 

[Justice]

I feel ya, friend. It's a lot of work at times, and you have to be prepared to have moments- long or short- where you're the one shouldering the responsibility for one or both of you, and I don't think anyone can really be faulted for not wanting or not being able to do that. It can be draining. It can also be rewarding. It all just depends on the combination.

Yeah It's just too much work for me. I'm content with the way things are now. If that changes then I'll seek something else out but for now this is where it's at for me.

Let's be real- some gay guys are exhausting. That's one stereotype that isn't entirely untrue (though can be said of anyone, regardless of sexuality, as well). I've said it before and I'll say it again- if I didn't like men, I would hate men. The whole "gay lifestyle" of going to the gym, going to the club, staying out late, drinking and doing drugs and socializing and hooking up and all that- just feels exhausting to me. I've never been that type, and I don't see that ever changing. Not that there's anything wrong with all that- whatever floats your chode, so to speak. But it's true that a lot of other gays I've met don't get that, or are turned off by it, or think I'm a "bad gay" because I'm not out there promoting and normalizing the lifestyle and all that. I know for a fact I've lost out on some relationships in the past because I didn't want to be out in a sticky, sweaty, loud club until 4 in the morning. But that's fine by me! I like myself and my company enough that I can have a great time regardless. I not only want, but need my quiet time. I'll socialize, but it's gotta be under my own terms, or else I'm just no fun to be around. And yet, as much as society or other gays would try and have you believe, I do think that the majority of us are pretty boring ourselves. "The Gay Agenda" can be, and often is, just sitting around watching TV, having a snack, etc.

I did the bar thing a few times. Fun fact, the little gay bar in my tiny home town was featured by Kevin Smith in his documentary "Small Town Gay Bar" which is just insane to me. I know so many people interviewed in that documentary. But yeah, that ain't me.

I think that's the real key- so many people try to find a relationship to fill a hole in them that can only be filled by themselves (sounds dirty, but you know what I mean). Or to prove someone wrong- especially in the gay world, where we're taught that we're not meant to be happy, etc. But if you've already found that in yourself, then you're way ahead of many others, and if you don't need the company of someone else in order to see that, then more power to you! I applaud you for not falling into those traps we often set for ourselves or our communities. Don't feel like you have to be or do any certain thing- society puts enough pressure on us as gay men to live up to certain standards, both for other gays and for straights. It sounds like you're pretty content with yourself and where you're at, and I think that's awesome. Intimacy, be it physical, emotional, whatever- is different for everyone, and should never be forced. If it happens, awesome. If not, that's fine too. Some people who can and do procreate shouldn't, so it all evens out. But none of it means anything if you're not invested, so don't force it. Maybe you're just an easy guy to please!

Thank you for all of this. It was a very well worded response. I do feel like I'm pretty easy to please. Just give me a lazy weekend at home with my dog and occasionally hanging out with my friends and I am good. Oh and a lot of articulated plastic sitting around on shelves doesn't hurt.

 

[altcunningham]

I literally have not had actual sex since 2013. Maybe I'm asexual? If I wanted it I would go get it but it's just not something I want to focus energy on seeking out. The idea of dating or intimacy feels exhausting to me. Women (especially older ones, Jesus Christ the cougars are a relentless species) throw themselves at me but I am totally gay. I don't have men throwing themselves at me because I don't ping their gaydar. People do not believe me when I tell them I am gay. The women think I'm just saying that because I'm not interested in them. I gave up years ago on even advertising the fact anymore.

I didn't have the knowledge or vocabulary for a lot of this most of my life. Only last year do I think I may be demisexual or demiromantic. I'm still figuring it out.

I do fine, but sex isn't the goal or even important to me. I definitely don't get on with a lot of my hetero buddies. Never understood the T or A fixation. Even women ask if which man I am. I like it all? I like women exclusively, I know that, I just don't...care as much?

I know from experience if a woman sat down at the bar and offered to go around the corner for a guaranteed output, all my dude friends would go, no question. Myself, I need to know your favourite punk band, favourite colour, something you're passionate about (like us and Legends representation, give me something real and deep. Hottest thing a woman ever did ever was nerd about about Neon Genesis and FLCL at me, thinking I didn't know about anime). Then maybe. But I really just want to connect mentally and emotionally. I often wonder if Autistic masking around The Boys is what screwed that up for me.

Like you say, it's exhausting. A lot of games where there shouldn't be games. The advice I always tell people when they ask me for their little 20-year-old dating problems - I don't think relationships take work. Nobody likes work. That's why we call it work. I think relationships take an effort, but I don't think I would want to call it work because I don't like work. And I think you should like the person and like the relationship. If it feels like Work, it's not the one, get out. Learn to be happy with yourself first.

Funny enough, it's always gay men telling me I'm hot and letting me know a woman is thirsting. I miss all the cues and just err on People Are Nice. It's just nice to have that validation.

Thanks for sharing, I've honestly been looking for a male space to just talk about this shit.

 

[Justice]

I didn't have the knowledge or vocabulary for a lot of this most of my life. Only last year do I think I may be demisexual or demiromantic. I'm still figuring it out.

Thank you for this. It led me to research what demisexual was thinking maybe that described me. It doesn't, but it did cause me to be curious enough to dig deeper and I found a label that I feel described me almost perfectly.

Orchidsexual. Yeah it sounds stupid and no way I'm going to go around telling people I come across in day to day life that I am orchidsexual but it sure sounds like that's what I am. Basically I feel sexual attraction but have no desire to act on it and don't want a sexual relationship.

I've never cared for labels at all but to find that there IS a label that describes my attitude towards sex really goes a long way towards making me not feel so broken.

I do fine, but sex isn't the goal or even important to me. I definitely don't get on with a lot of my hetero buddies. Never understood the T or A fixation. Even women ask if which man I am. I like it all? I like women exclusively, I know that, I just don't...care as much?

I know from experience if a woman sat down at the bar and offered to go around the corner for a guaranteed output, all my dude friends would go, no question. Myself, I need to know your favourite punk band, favourite colour, something you're passionate about (like us and Legends representation, give me something real and deep. Hottest thing a woman ever did ever was nerd about about Neon Genesis and FLCL at me, thinking I didn't know about anime). Then maybe. But I really just want to connect mentally and emotionally. I often wonder if Autistic masking around The Boys is what screwed that up for me.

I have always been kind of the same way. Hooked up with a stranger once and it just felt wrong. But now I feel like I drag out the getting to know each other process just to delay the eventual sexual relationship, not because I need to feel connected to them on a different level like a demisexual person.

Like you say, it's exhausting. A lot of games where there shouldn't be games. The advice I always tell people when they ask me for their little 20-year-old dating problems - I don't think relationships take work. Nobody likes work. That's why we call it work. I think relationships take an effort, but I don't think I would want to call it work because I don't like work. And I think you should like the person and like the relationship. If it feels like Work, it's not the one, get out. Learn to be happy with yourself first.

Funny enough, it's always gay men telling me I'm hot and letting me know a woman is thirsting. I miss all the cues and just err on People Are Nice. It's just nice to have that validation.

Thanks for sharing, I've honestly been looking for a male space to just talk about this shit.

Yeah I'm awful picking up on social cues. I think that's why I only notice older women having the hots for me because at that point in their life they are just shameless in their pursuit and really have no fucks to give. One just straight up told me she wanted to get me drunk and take advantage of me so there isn't much room for misinterpretation of her motives there.

 

[altcunningham]

. One just straight up told me she wanted to get me drunk and take advantage of me so there isn't much room for misinterpretation of her motives there.

Something I'm only realizing lately is that for all the "how horrible men are" content out there, there are a lot of women that are also as brazen and horny and it just makes me uncomfortable.

It's people, not gender. People just have no boundaries or filters. I think it was always this way. I'm just more in tune to it now than I'm single and the world is like the Fallout wasteland post divorce.

 

[joshsquash729]

My social cues used to be terrible too. Still are, to an extent. When people wanted to sleep with me, I didn't have the confidence to realize it. When I got the confidence, it was during a time when nobody wanted to sleep with me. I think part of that came from growing up in a part of the Midwest where being gay meant you'd either be a social pariah or another hate crime statistic, so the few gay kids we had were either too afraid to come out, or moved so carefully to never be caught. I certainly craved it as a hormonal teenager, but I always wanted the guys who could never reciprocate. Not to mention my self-esteem just wasn't (and still isn't) all that great. So I think my brain just stopped romanticizing it after a while and helped me focus on enjoying the moments I could get with my crushes and such. Even now- is it fun? Sure. But is it necessary? Not really. I'm just as content with "Visits from Jill", as we used to say, and there are things that I oddly think are far more intimate an experience- listening to someone's favorite album, watching their guilty pleasure movies, etc. I think it's kinda telling that a lot of my friends or acquaintances that do go out and have lots of sex- be it with partners or with strangers- wouldn't say they're fully fulfilled by it.

I find it kinda encouraging that folks- mostly in the newer generations, but also some of the older ones too- seem to kind of be moving away from the importance, or at least the overbearing visibility, of sex. It's a tricky line to toe- obviously we want to be sex positive and not shame anyone who may have a higher sex drive, but at the same time, I think more and more people are realizing there's more to life than just sex. Even TV and movies seem to kind of be moving away from it. There was that whole era of TV where we had the "sexposition" craze, or important exposition given during sexual moments so that people would pay attention more.

It sounds so silly, but back when people were doing that "Sex is great, but have you ever tried...?" meme thing, I always found it so charming. I feel like I really learned a lot about people that I wouldn't otherwise know- what they really crave in life, versus what magazines and TV and social media say they should. Obviously we're all just a bunch of slightly more evolved animals, so there will always be that base instinct, but there really is so much more to life- and relationships- than just sex. Maybe that's partly due to having more fear/anxiety over the future and not wanting to bring kids into it, or maybe it's more people realizing the importance of consent, or -insert reason here-, but it's not the end-all, be-all. Like when folks say money can't buy you happiness; it certainly can, and sex can bring you happiness too, but it's all fleeting anyway. More often than not, that clarity kicks in and you wonder what it was for, aside from killing some time and burning some calories.