The Relationship Overshare Thread

[Niko (protozoalord)]

Anyway, I have ALWAYS had an easier time being friends with women my entire life.

Obligatory "ditto" goes here. I've hung out with almost exclusively women (or well, at that point, girls) since elementary school, with a few of the more dorky/nerdy guys mixed in. It's a bit different for me since I haven't considered myself male in a long while (nor female, or any other label actually) and also grew to almost exclusively hang around LGBT groups (which certainly has a different atmosphere than both), but like, hey.

There was a point in middle school at a table with a bunch of the dudes where they were talking about "savage" things they've done and tried to involve me when I had no clue what they were talking about. Found out it just meant being total assholes to the women in... less than savory ways. That's when I REALLY stopped actively hanging out with dudes, only keeping the closest few around. I later discovered them to also be total pieces of shit when we grew up, with real disgusting grooming shit and obsession with liveleaks-esque material. Glad I got out of there fast.

I can't really make any claims that I'm not crude, horny, or stupid... but at least it's not at the expense of others. That being said, I still make sure to thank my girlfriend for putting up with my bullshit sometimes.

As someone whose love language is physical touch I lament the lack of hugs in my life. I'm totally confident busting out a hug on males in my life, but feel compelled to not physically interact with any females both because of changes in social moors, but also my wife is like y'all and very much does not enjoy physical touch.

It's lonely.

Been a shut-in for many years, with mostly online friendships and long distance relationships. Know you're not alone. I have to make the most of every "see you soon" hug I get when seeing friends once in a blue moon.

 

[Ru1977]

I can't really make any claims that I'm not crude, horny, or stupid... but at least it's not at the expense of others.

Same. I am definitely those things but not in a predatory way. I was thinking more on it after my initial gut spilling and realized I've always been firmly drawn to strong willed women. The second thing I noticed about my wife when I first saw her was her intense confidence. (the first was her stunning face, don't get like that!) But my mom is a little, determined, Irish badger, and my aunts can't help but to take no shit, and my cousin is the same way actually.... so yeah, that's what gets my attention, and fortunately my wife finds me pretty funny and kinda cute most times, but at least she doesn't mind me the rest of the time. Actually, one of her favorite things about me is how like her brothers I'm not, so I definitely have that going for me.

That being said, I still make sure to thank my girlfriend for putting up with my bullshit sometimes.

Yes, always, always, always honor and cherish the provider of thine nookie, as George Carlin said.

 

[altcunningham]

Well, as long as we are over sharing... After marriage is obviously a different story, but before marriage I was pretty slutty for a while.

I'm always face valued as an extrovert Lothario and very confident. I am confident, but that came with years. The trick is since grade school it was all a mask. I didn't know that at the time, but in hindsight after my diagnosis, it makes sense.

Dudes want sex and the hierarchy is on women? It's not a natural pursuit, but I can fake it and make it.

It's only after my diagnosis and divorce and some work that I realize I don't actually...I like it. It's just not a pursuit. In hindsight, every woman in my life from middle school to now always did the work aand the blatant, "You know I'm trying to date you?" "I didn't want to presume." It's half what Ace said above about heteronormative dude behaviour kind of disgusting me, and also just not wanting to be a predator. Even though I'm not. But it's like... If you genuinely live with all these fears of men, I'm just gonna remove myself from the board so that's one less.

Which isn't the solution for many reasons. My therapist loves me, I'm sure. And yeah, I always get on with women more than most men.

Good talk, I'm glad to have found my people here.

 

[Chooch555]

Also, I've never been called one of the girls, but in my early 20's some female friends, that I very much wanted to have sex with, called me NTM for non-threatening male to reinforce that I was not seen as someone they would ever have sex with.

 

[Niko (protozoalord)]

realized I've always been firmly drawn to strong willed women. The second thing I noticed about my wife when I first saw her was her intense confidence. (the first was her stunning face, don't get like that!) But my mom is a little, determined, Irish badger, and my aunts can't help but to take no shit, and my cousin is the same way actually.... so yeah, that's what gets my attention, and fortunately my wife finds me pretty funny and kinda cute most times, but at least she doesn't mind me the rest of the time. Actually, one of her favorite things about me is how like her brothers I'm not, so I definitely have that going for me.

I'm in a similar boat with my girlfriend, though it was the third thing after "Well, me and this lady really have not shut up with each other for even a second for the past two weeks! Huh!" and "Oh, she suits what I like to look at a lot". When she told me a story about her chewing out a University professor for flunking her on a huge exam (which, she nearly aced in all actuality) I was simply in awe in several ways.

 

[Ru1977]

Oh, she suits what I like to look at a lot"

REALLY well put. And yeah, she sounds badass!

 

[TheSameIdiot]

Felt like we had too good a thing going in the politics thread for me to let it die. I attempted to split the beams (I nailed the Ghostbusters reference, right?) to mixed results.

Anyway, I have ALWAYS had an easier time being friends with women my entire life.

I've had mostly the same experience. I only had two or three good friends in elementary school (all boys), and one moved away in the 3rd grade. In middle school, I made a few more friends (all guys) who are still my core gaming/D&D group to this day. In high school, I was separated from my friends because of our class schedules. Like Chooch, this is where I became the designated NTM for like 10 different girls. I would've dated many of them given the chance, but I was determined not to fuck anything up. I also couldn't read a social cue if it was read aloud nightly like a bedtime story. I don't think I've made a new male friend since. As someone raised by women and regularly let down by the men in my life, it was a natural progression.

(I find that women are better listeners. Most women actually listen. Most men do not.)

I was thinking more on it after my initial gut spilling and realized I've always been firmly drawn to strong willed women.

I co-opt this. I couldn't imagine dating a pushover.

 

[DarthDre758]

Ugh. I would quote half of what's been said in here, but that's too much like work, so I'll just reply.

I have a couple of really good guy friends. My best friend is currently a thousand miles away in Tennessee. I have more "cyber" friends than local. Ruadh, Duke, and the ever enigmatic Sambuca have been a mainstay in my life for the better part of 20 years now. I've only ever met Duke, and he's a cool dude. My local guy friends gets...messy. I've know them for over 25 years, and have done countless things with them that I should never tell anyone (not like that you perverts). The Best Man at my wedding, who ended up marrying my wife's sister, turned to a drug dealer, and user, and ended up in prison for a bit. He's been out for about five years now, and he's gone completely off the deep end in the pseudo-qanon way. He says he likes to just mess with people, but I can tell he believes more than he lets on. His brother (who I met first) is fairly right wing as well, and even though he never brings it up when we hang, there is that small bit of tension lingering. He was also the guy I would go to Dropkick Murphys shows with all the time (including Paddy's Day in Boston for a while), but if you know anything about that band these days...he's not much of a fan anymore. My last local guy friend is constantly broke, drinks way more than I ever could, and usually sick. He's taken over for the prior guy going to Boston, which is great. Speaking of Boston, we usually meet up with another friend down there, and he and I have become pretty good friends in the last 10 years. He's recently quit drinking (temporarily) to lose some weight, so I'm hoping next year he's still in for the trip.

Last night I was at a Girl Scout thing for my daughter. My wife is a leader, and I've recently signed up to be a Volunteer, mostly so people don't complain that I'm around the troop when they're told they can't be (volunteers are vetted and background checked). Before it started I was hanging with my wife, and a couple of her other leader friends. She's gotten to be good friends with a couple of them, including one who is a Lesbian (there is a point for this being mentioned). I saw one of the other guy volunteers come in, so I went to chat with him for a bit. We're in to the same music, and general nerd stuff. I found the conversation started to lull after about five minutes. I wandered back to my wife and her group (who love to talk shit about other volunteers at times). After the whole thing went down, and I got my "official" Girl Scout Volunteer pins, the lesbian mom came up to me and wanted to give me a hug. I'm used to only hugging my wife, and that usually includes roving hands on my part. I went to hug her, but my head tilt didn't go the other way of hers, and there was about two inches of panic before the possibility of a kiss when she moved her head...and the hug was just awkward after that.

So yeah, I'm better being friends with women than men in most aspects, and I'm not NOT a touchy person, but I usually can't get it right because I've been doing is the same way for so long now with my wife.

Pic of the pins spoiled for those who don't care.

Spoiler

 

[TENIME]

This thread creation...

Hey, there are some posts in the Classified thread that could be moved over here, too, lol. Something about buttholes not getting pregnant...

 

[RunestoneCowboy]

Let me start by saying how much I love this thread. It's great to see all this male bonding, especially from guys who don't typically bond with other men.

I've always gotten along well with girls. My mom likes to tell this story about my preschool calling her to tell her I'd gone missing, only to call her back a few minutes later to say they'd found me hiding in the bathroom with a girl so we could hold hands. In grade school and junior high, I attended several birthday parties for girl friends where I was the only boy invited and I reveled in all that female attention. Let the boys have their sports; I'd gladly play house or paint my nails with the girls.

But like a lot of you, I really struggled to make "the first move" with girls I liked because I was afraid of coming off as a creep. To make matters worse, I could be really needy and clingy in new relationships because nothing hurts me worse than a lack of feedback. I can take negative feedback with grace, but when girls played it cool or ghosted on me, it was like putting my heart in a blender.

The term "masking" is fairly new to me, but the only time I'm not consciously performing and scrutinizing people's reactions and making subtle adjustments to my performance is when I'm too drunk to maintain all that control. Some guys get drunk and fight. I get drunk and aggressively infodump. Even so, nearly every hookup I had from junior high to meeting my future wife in college involved getting drunk enough that I stopped over-analyzing the situation and let my animal instinct take the wheel.

There's a scene in the 4th season of Arrested Development in which Maeby clearly wants to make out with George Michael, but she makes a dumb joke about math and he can't help but kill the moment so he can educate her about math. That scene hit so painfully close to home. It was like watching all my worst dates play out on screen.

 

[TheSameIdiot]

You guys were getting laid in junior high? I really am a square.

To make matters worse, I could be really needy and clingy in new relationships because nothing hurts me worse than a lack of feedback. I can take negative feedback with grace, but when girls played it cool or ghosted on me, it was like putting my heart in a blender.

I hear that. I wouldn't say I'm insecure, but in new relationships/friendships, I always want to come out and say, "You like me, right?"

It happens when my wife is mad at me, too. I look for reassurance while she wants to be left alone. The angrier she gets, the needier I become. It's one hell of a feedback loop.

 

[joshsquash729]

You guys were getting laid in junior high? I really am a square.

I hear that. I wouldn't say I'm insecure, but in new relationships/friendships, I always want to come out and say, "You like me, right?"

It happens when my wife is mad at me, too. I look for reassurance while she wants to be left alone. The angrier she gets, the needier I become. It's one hell of a feedback loop.

Right? I couldn't have gotten laid in junior high if I paid someone.

I'm definitely a validation person as well, but that's something I'm working through in therapy. I overcompensate in meeting new people and can definitely come off a bit strong, but it's really just my nerves talking. On top of that, realizing that people can be mad or annoyed with me, but rarely does it mean they want to stop being part of my life. Feels like I only recently learned I don't need to constantly be doing things to buy/keep their affection (learned that one the hard way, after spending lots and lots of money on someone who couldn't have cared less, ultimately).

Hell, my boyfriend and I will have been together for 8 years come January, and there's still times when I just wanna say to him "you still like me, right?" Which is ironic, because he's definitely much more the outwardly affectionate one. He playfully gives me shit sometimes when I say "I love you" first, since he's almost always the first one to say it. But he feels it too, since I'm someone who not only values, but needs quiet, alone time, whereas he always likes to be around people, and sometimes he thinks I don't want to be around him (not at all true). I suppose we gravitate toward our own kind more often than not.

 

[RunestoneCowboy]

Right? I couldn't have gotten laid in junior high if I paid someone.

I grew up in Utah, but my family isn't Mormon. My choices are my responsibility, but being an outsider in a homogeneous monoculture can put a chip on your shoulder, especially when you're young. There weren't a lot of us in the 90s, so we heathens stuck together and most of us rebelled young and rebelled hard. I got drunk, got high, and had sex all for the first time on the same night when I was 13. That's not supposed to be a brag, so much as a gonzo-style confession. I made a lot of unwise and self-destructive choices when I was a teen, but I've mostly had my head on straight since my mid-20s. I credit my wife for a lot of that. She's a smart, emotionally-intelligent woman who's taught me an incredible amount.

Just to leave things on a lighter note, I discovered that being a hard-drinking, long-haired skate rat who could still show up and ace an English exam made me catnip for a surprising number of buttoned-down Mormon girls. The most they ever wanted to do was kiss in front of their dads as part of their own little rebellion, but I still enjoyed the attention and a chance to figuratively poke my finger in the eye of authority.

 

[akajomiha]

Just to leave things on a lighter note, I discovered that being a hard-drinking, long-haired skate rat…

Whoa, this is really messing with me as I read all your posts with the Stranger/Sam Elliott’s voice and cadence in my head. At least i can still read FinFangFoom’s posts in a Gomez Addams voice.

 

[TheSameIdiot]

I made a lot of unwise and self-destructive choices when I was a teen, but I've mostly had my head on straight since my mid-20s. I credit my wife for a lot of that. She's a smart, emotionally-intelligent woman who's taught me an incredible amount.

It's amazing how many women are willing to save us if we let them. I don't know what they see in us or how they see it.