The Relationship Overshare Thread

[DarthDre758]

Adam Sandler's "Medium Pace."

That is all.

That song almost got me kicked out of the local bowling alley. I was a big bad freshman in HS, who had to go to the bowling alley with his mother Friday nights. I had that album on cassette and was listing to it on my Walkman. This one kid wanted to listen to whatever I had so I like them, and they laughed. They called their parent(?) over to listen and they flipped out and told me how disgusting it was and they were going to tell the manager I shouldn't be allowed to be there anymore. I remember sitting at the table with my moms team terrified they would kick me out and she would find out. I think this is why I started listening to the Aladdin soundtrack more after that.

 

[altcunningham]

If I had to guess, it's this whole nonchalance movement. Effort and caring is bad and cringe. Which is why joking (not in Reel or TikTok format) is bad. It's cringe which means attention on you, which is bad.

But it all falls apart because that sect are not truly nonchalant and in fact care very much, hence the curation and self censoring. I'm sure you've seen Sex Content is bad, there's a wave of Puritanism that puts the younger Gen Z almost at older Boomer tiers of cancel culture and censorship.

I think the wider use of social media and digital footprint makes everyone overly curated (they grew up with Me Too and the like) and hindsight protected, which doesn't really work for real-life interactions. It's my experience authenticity and vulnerability are scoffed externally, but craved when you actually make a connection. But thanks to the net, I don't think people (because it's also millenials) are really hip to this irony because they get to live in tribal bubbles and normalize things that, frankly, aren't.

See the slew of Red Flag dating content that's either common sense or makes no sense. I used to get really discouraged by all the Women Giving Advice online because it seemed like you couldn't win, but then you realize - man or woman - anyone sitting in their car dishing out constant content probably isn't actually in a relationship or good at it. If they were, they'd be putting that time in and happy, instead of ragebaiting misery. And I also think those people want others to suffer with them, so that once again it's normalized, which means it cannot be them that's the issue. No one wants to be the issue. That's cringe.

But it's actually just being human, and people have forgotten how to do that thanks to the above.

All my friends my age or older also have a cynical holier than thou view of the youth (as long as it's not their kid, their kid is perfect, right?), and I often go to bat for Gen Z because most of the ones I deal with daily enrich my life and are cool and smart and creative. Again, I think the Internet presentation propagandizes and divides that.

Damn, I'm supposed to be eating a sub right now.

 

[TheSameIdiot]

If I had to guess, it's this whole nonchalance movement. Effort and caring is bad and cringe. Which is why joking (not in Reel or TikTok format) is bad. It's cringe which means attention on you, which is bad.

Good post. I learned over the last few years that cynicism and nihilism are easy. Effort and caring are hard. You aren't bringing about positive change with the former two.

I think most everyone, Trumpers included, thinks we're in a bad spot. Calling everything cringe and acting like it can't or won't ever change will not fix it.

But it all falls apart because that sect are not truly nonchalant and in fact care very much, hence the curation and self censoring. I'm sure you've seen Sex Content is bad, there's a wave of Puritanism that puts the younger Gen Z almost at older Boomer tiers of cancel culture and censorship.

It's been a huge bummer to watch this come about. First, I love a good sex scene. Second, it's emblematic of larger cultural attitudes, and none of them are good. It's probably a good thing that Gen Z is drinking, smoking, and fucking less than we did. It also probably represents a puritanical, or at least conservative, attitude.

It's my experience authenticity and vulnerability are scoffed externally, but craved when you actually make a connection. But thanks to the net, I don't think people (because it's also millenials) are really hip to this irony because they get to live in tribal bubbles and normalize things that, frankly, aren't.

I'm decidedly not an outwardly affectionate person. In recent years, I forced myself to start being one. It doesn't do my friends any good to tell them I appreciate them or love them at their funeral. Doing so while we're alive has been difficult, but it's been rewarding. We're more connected as a result. You guys may have noticed me railing against the internet over the last few weeks/months. I've become completely disillusioned by its dehumanizing, dividing, and isolating effects.

 

[Ru1977]

It's been a huge bummer to watch this come about. First, I love a good sex scene. Second, it's emblematic of larger cultural attitudes, and none of them are good. It's probably a good thing that Gen Z is drinking, smoking, and fucking less than we did. It also probably represents a puritanical, or at least conservative, attitude.

But their kids... their kids are gonna make the 60s look like the 50s. No, wait, people were fucking a bunch after the war.

I'm decidedly not an outwardly affectionate person. In recent years, I forced myself to start being one. It doesn't do my friends any good to tell them I appreciate them or love them at their funeral. Doing so while we're alive has been difficult, but it's been rewarding. We're more connected as a result. You guys may have noticed me railing against the internet over the last few weeks/months. I've become completely disillusioned by its dehumanizing, dividing, and isolating effects.

That is beautiful though, no sarcasm. I'm not outwardly affectionate either, and I don't like people touching me aside from the ones I live with, but I try to go with it. And I get more huggy when drunk, but I've never been an "I love you, man" drunk. So I, too, have been trying to be more outwardly affectionate and let people who mean a lot to me know it.

You guys obviously mean quite a bit since I devote a bunch of time with ye.

 

[AceofKnaves]

I think I’m *more* authentic, for better and for worse, online than in “real life” because I was HEAVILY encouraged to “mask” socially from a VERY early age. I can be scrupulously polite in public, to the point of actually working still to eliminate “sir/ma’am” from my automatic working vocabulary (kid martial artist so “YES SIR/MA’AM!!” was a usual response to stuff), and only because I don’t approve of the aggressive gendering. It is REALLY hard to get me to “show my teeth” in the real world, which can be somewhat confusing since I *look* like a Big Gothic Weirdo literally all the time unless I am toned-down and sitting in my office, and even then . . .
I’ve been working very hard over the last 15 years to be more publicly authentic, and it’s HARD. And yeah that goes for sex, too: my broader social views notwithstanding, I am incredibly personally inhibited when it comes to instigating/being comfortably casual about sex, and that is 100% the product of spending 47 years so far in a male body in male spaces and being utterly horrified and disgusted by the way my fellow males collectively treat women regarding sexual stuff. Outward affection I can do: the easiest social thing for me is to say things I like about others and give praise and friendly affection.
Honestly, though: I think people who read my fired-up antifascist social media rants and also my posts here, know me much better than folks I see regularly in real life.

I fucking hate social media, but it’s also a relief to feel empowered to say out loud the things I’ve been shamed into silence about for so long.

 

[altcunningham]

I'm decidedly not an outwardly affectionate person. In recent years, I forced myself to start being one. It doesn't do my friends any good to tell them I appreciate them or love them at their funeral. Doing so while we're alive has been difficult, but it's been rewarding. We're more connected as a result. You guys may have noticed me railing against the internet over the last few weeks/months. I've become completely disillusioned by its dehumanizing, dividing, and isolating effects.

I used to be the same way. We were talking about dating at a dinner with some friends of friends, and someone I didn't even know overheard something I said and told me that it was weird to be in tune with your emotions and try to connect with people. It's like a 40-year-old woman. I said that just doesn't make sense to me on an objective level because almost every single person complaining about dating on the internet is always saying that the person they met had no emotional intelligence or availability etc.

So which is it. Personally by high school I was tired of being embarrassed and shamed by my emotions. Why would you not just be intentional and stop wasting everyone's time. You put yourself out there and the people that Vibe with you are going to Vibe with you and if they don't, that's cool too. Saves you a lot of time and damage. In fact, it's better just to be upfront and authentic so you don't waste anyone's time including yours.

She just was not on board with this but you know who is bitter and unhappy and hadn't had any successful relationships in years?

Wonder why. Turns out being performative and faking your personality just to get swipes doesn't really pay off once you're actually face to face.

Batman level "Hnh."

 

[TheSameIdiot]

This whole post is me going armchair psychologist on myself, so reader beware.

And yeah that goes for sex, too: my broader social views notwithstanding, I am incredibly personally inhibited when it comes to instigating/being comfortably casual about sex, and that is 100% the product of spending 47 years so far in a male body in male spaces and being utterly horrified and disgusted by the way my fellow males collectively treat women regarding sexual stuff. Outward affection I can do: the easiest social thing for me is to say things I like about others and give praise and friendly affection.

This resonates with me to my core.

I'm also a no-touch person. I don't recoil or anything, but being touched comes as a slight shock. I've always been deeply in tune with other people's discomfort. As a kid, I noticed when people were touched without permission and how uncomfortable it made them. It became an unspoken rule for me. I don't touch them, they don't touch me. I love a hug, but I live in moderate fear of ever overstepping a boundary. I think others see me as closed off and distant because of it.

Sexually, I live within some of the same bounds. My wife asks me about my fantasies... I don't know how to answer that. Either I don't have any, or they're so buried by the horror and disgust that you mention that I can't access them. Certain kinks have been used to demean and control women, and I have trouble seeing past that. I recognize that it's okay for a person to ask their partner to wear a dom outfit and call them Mr. Slave—even to the degree that it's healthy to do so—but I can't reach that space of vulnerability to know what I want, let alone to summon the intestinal fortitude to ask for it.

On the appreciation end, I'm genuinely glad to share an online space/community with you all—people who are willing to put themselves out there. Especially when most folks here are likely men, and as everyone in this thread knows, men have been ruining things for a long time. Potentially since the beginning of time.

 

[Ru1977]

I am incredibly personally inhibited when it comes to instigating/being comfortably casual about sex, and that is 100% the product of spending 47 years so far in a male body in male spaces and being utterly horrified and disgusted by the way my fellow males collectively treat women regarding sexual stuff

Well, as long as we are over sharing... After marriage is obviously a different story, but before marriage I was pretty slutty for a while. I definitely get what you're saying about fellow males and to this day I cannot participate in that shit. When a brother in law makes a joke about such things, I won't even polite-laugh and they usually don't do that shit around me anymore. Once in a while they forget and try again.

Anyway, I have ALWAYS had an easier time being friends with women my entire life. I always attributed to this to my dad and our dumb relationship but maybe it's just guys in general like you said. I was lucky to have some really wonderful uncles at least, and always have had a great guy friend or two, but it was always easier to connect with women. And sometimes I'd explore romantic possibilities that obviously didn't pan out but a lot of times I somehow adopted my mom's free love hippie, no harm in simply getting off with someone you connect with mentality, so a lot of lady friends we'd just have fun. I dunno, I'm relatively amusing and genuinely enjoy real connections, and that's still true since I notice all my real friends at work are women as well who seem to appreciate being able to delve into real shit with me daily. So I guess my best guy friends are ones I can joke around with but also get into deeper things as well, which has been much more rare.

But also the promiscuity is bizarre for me since I don't like people touching me. Heh.

 

[AceofKnaves]

Anyway, I have ALWAYS had an easier time being friends with women my entire life.

Holy shit THIS, to the point of being straight-up called “one of the bitches” by a male friend in this artsy friend group I was in in high school/college.
Of course that is the same guy who told my sister he wanted their friendship to be “wetter, not better” when he tried to kiss her then told her she was “being unfair” when she refused.
Fun stuff.
Men are GROSSSSSSSS.

 

[Chooch555]

As someone whose love language is physical touch I lament the lack of hugs in my life. I'm totally confident busting out a hug on males in my life, but feel compelled to not physically interact with any females both because of changes in social moors, but also my wife is like y'all and very much does not enjoy physical touch.

It's lonely.

 

[akajomiha]

Sincerely, I don't think I've felt as "seen" in my 50 years of life as I have on these boards. Thank you for creating this space, @TheSameIdiot and thank you all for being open and vulnerable in a world that tried it's best to mold men into emotionally suppressed cookie cutter alphas.

 

[Ru1977]

Holy shit THIS, to the point of being straight-up called “one of the bitches” by a male friend in this artsy friend group I was in in high school/college.

The area I'm in at work, I sit with three ladies who have counted me as "one of the girls" several times now and always apologize but I tell them I feel it's complimentary to be part of the club.

Of course that is the same guy who told my sister he wanted their friendship to be “wetter, not better” when he tried to kiss her then told her she was “being unfair” when she refused.

Classy fucking guy, yeah.

Fun stuff.
Men are GROSSSSSSSS.

No kidding. My brothers in law are my big example of masculinity and they aren't full on toxic but they are definitely old fashioned, thoughtless, crude, selfish, and horny. So it's lot like high school.

As someone whose love language is physical touch I lament the lack of hugs in my life. I'm totally confident busting out a hug on males in my life, but feel compelled to not physically interact with any females both because of changes in social moors, but also my wife is like y'all and very much does not enjoy physical touch.

It's lonely.

That's a bummer. But I kinda get it. I always let women initiate hugs if there is to be one, except my wife gets the brunt of all my affection. I'm on her all the time even if it's just stroking her forearm or something kinda benign. Backrubs are never refused.

I will hug all my inlaws though, cousins and brothers etc. I'm not lingering or anything, and my brothers in law like to make it gross and grab my ass or some nonsense. That's always a delight.

 

[Ru1977]

Sincerely, I don't think I've felt as "seen" in my 50 years of life as I have on these boards. Thank you for creating this space, @TheSameIdiot and thank you all for being open and vulnerable in a world that tried it's best to mold men into emotionally suppressed cookie cutter alphas.

Let's see if we can manage all this for the first in-person Articula-Con.

 

[joshsquash729]

Catching up on the thread because too much news right now makes my head and heart hurt.

I'll spare ya'll another wall of text, but totally agreed with men being bastards. All the more confusing being gay, too- if I didn't like men so much, I'd hate them. The masculinity craze is something I'm quite glad to see slowly making its way out the door, despite some very staunch defenders. I'd argue that it's perhaps THEE biggest issue in the US today; obviously there's political and religious aspects that make it all the more tangled a web, but more often than not, it boils down to people trying to preserve the old ways, which have warped minds. Men have to do this, and have to be that, and if you don't tick a certain number of boxes, you're not a man, which, as we've seen with how this country treats women and the LGBT community (among others), being seen as feminine or gay is as good as a death sentence.

All that is to say- as someone with a 17 year old nibling in high school, I'm pretty "hip" with the kids, and I know how they speak, and them there texts ain't nothing like how kids speak. It conveniently ticks a looooot of boxes that are just a little too convenient. Not saying they can't be real- if the kid was as emotionally stunted as it seems he may have been, with the whacko upbringing he had, I wouldn't be surprised to see a little detachment, but......eh. I also get the yuck reading about him calling his roommate "love". Not because I hate gays (obviously), but because it's again- either fabricated and being used to further demonize the kid, or if it's real, it'll be latched on to and used as fuel to hate the gays even more. Joy!

As far as Kimmel goes- I didn't used to like the guy, but I've really warmed to him in recent years after he had his kid and mellowed out. Regardless of how I feel about him, though, basically cancelling his show for making a joke- when people in power have made far more tasteless jokes/comments, is just fucking idiotic. Comedians have always pushed the boundaries and presented us with harsh truths in funny ways to make these grandiose ideas more palatable. So while I still have even the slightest semblance of free speech in this country, let me say- fuck this entire administration and everyone who stands for them. I'd say I eagerly await popping my popcorn and roasting my marshmallows on their eternally burning souls in the pits of Hell, but at this point, even Hell feels too good for them.

P.S.- fuck yeah, good punctuation!

 

[canprime]

Red flag for you? Because I get that.

I always swipe "no" on the profiles that don't know the basic "your/you're" "to/too" "of/'ve" etc.

Back when I was dating before I met my wife I went on a date with a woman who had a similar test for dates. Except for her is was whether or not they knew the different version of there/their/they're. She said she was disheartened by how many men didn't know them.