Much of this echoes my experiences with my mom and sister, though it's more extreme. I live across the country from most of my family, including my mom and sister. They've had various illnesses and diseases over the years, and the burden of care has fallen on each other.
I understand your guilt. I experience the same thing.
Unfortunately, I don't think there's a clean solution to any of this. I think you have to take solace in the fact that you're doing your best in a difficult position. Your mom isn't suffering because you don't care or aren't willing to help.
Although I don't think she'd ever admit it, I also have the gut feeling that, whether she realizes it or not, she may be trying to kinda hasten the end in a way.
...
I just don't know how to get her to care about herself, you know?
You can talk until you're blue in the face, but as Puckace said, unless they want the help, you can't force it on them.
I think the best thing is to reiterate your love and show up however you can. Try to make sure she's as happy and pain-free as possible.
It's becoming increasingly clear that she's quite depressed- her quality of life has plummeted since her diagnoses started getting bad, she lost her Dad a couple years ago and hasn't ever really recovered from that, and I've been learning more and more of her childhood trauma lately, but she refuses to see a therapist to talk about any of it; she gives the same excuse as when we ask her to quit smoking- "I'm too old for it to make a difference anyway." And in the case of smoking, at least, she kinda plays the guilt card of "it makes me happy and it helps with the pain".
I hear that. After years of gentle hints, I finally got my mom to enter therapy. I'm not sure whether it will help, or if she'll even go to more than a handful of appointments, but even that was only possible because she wanted to go.
I get the smoking thing, too. My father-in-law just had a major health scare. He's been a hardcore smoker for 45+ years. He told his doctor he'd only be willing to quit if he knew he had multiple years left to live. Otherwise, what's the point? I've seen him quit and start smoking again at least 10 different times. It's encouraging when he quits and disappointing when he lights up again. There's only so much within your control.
We're even trying to teach my nibling responsibility- they'll be 17 in a few weeks, and while on the spectrum, is still very smart and capable.
My sister was similar. I didn't think she'd ever mature. She's in her mid-twenties now. Somehow, it happened all at once about 18 months ago. After two decades of babying her, I have a sibling who is a genuine peer. It's maybe the strangest thing I've ever experienced in my life.
I don't know, man. My mom has, and will always be the most important person in my life, but I'm in a weird headspace recently of being worried for her 24/7, but also just burnt out.
This is where you have to give yourself grace. I go through the same cycles with my mom. I'm hyper-vigilant until I feel my own mental health circling the drain. Then I pull back entirely until I can restabilize.
Being a caregiver is hard. It fucking sucks. My mom has been doing it for her parents for 25 years. It's thankless, exhausting work.
It doesn't feel exactly right to say that I don't care- I do and always will, but I've always been the mediator in the family- both sides of it- and people come to me with any and all of their problems, big or small, and ask me to help. I'm flattered, and I love to help people, but it's to the point where it's becoming a burden, especially when I've seemingly met my match. Not to mention the fact that I'm the type of person to prioritize other people's problems over my own, so it's all just piling up. There's really nothing more I can do- she needs to care about herself and prioritize herself, but she just doesn't seem willing to. And I'm terrified that the end is near; my family is kinda notorious for being healthy and then once an ailment of some kind hits, they decline rapidly and are gone within the year. Not to mention the fact that I'm halfway across the country, and can't do much to really help except harp on everyone to do things. I've considered moving back to be able to physically help, but that's no small feat either- I've built a life here, and while I can move all my things, I don't know if my boyfriend would really come with me (he's built a life here too, and his industry doesn't really exist where my mom lives). I'd like to think he would, but I couldn't blame him if he didn't.
Anyway. I don't know why I'm saying all this, honestly. Part of it is frustration- at the healthcare system, at my mom for not caring more about herself, at all the people through the years that convinced her not to care for herself, at myself for not doing more, etc. Part of it is fear of losing the person that means the most to me, and that horrible realization we all have at some point that nobody, regardless of importance, is invincible. Part of it is rethinking all my life lessons and my views of people- I still love and idolize my mom, but I'm seeing more and more how imperfect she is, and how her faults and flaws, however inadvertently, have led to a lot of my own. It's just a lot, and while it's definitely helping me be able to see what is and isn't important in life, it's also making it so I don't really have much, if any, energy left to really enjoy things anymore, you know? Feels like I haven't been able to focus on my writing or acting or any of the things that make me happy in quite a while, other than these little bits of plastic here and there. I know it'll all work out eventually, I just hope it's all for the better- or at least as good as it can be given the circumstances.
This is the no easy answer part.
You could uproot your life, move back, and give your mom the care she needs. Maybe you being there helps her, maybe not. Maybe she goes quickly, maybe she lives for another 20 years.
I think there's an entire generation of people who will experience this soon. My industry doesn't exist in my hometown. I couldn't move back there and do my job if I wanted to (and hoo boy, I do not). You have to decide what's best for you and your mom, but don't forget to factor in your own well-being and happiness.
In any case, I sympathize. I'm sorry you're going through this.
