Forgive my stereotypically long post- I think I'm mostly just using this as a way for me to get things out. Don't feel obligated to read any of it. Feels like such a silly thing to complain about, but I'm kinda at my wits' end with things. So, my mom's health has been rapidly declining for a while now (I know I've mentioned it before), and it's just getting worse and has become such a tangled mess of a web. She's to the point where she can barely stand up anymore. She's taken so many falls lately, and had a really bad one the other day where she fell on the front porch and yelled for help for a minute or two before finally just getting herself up. Since then, she's had some symptoms that, according to her doctor, could coincide with either a concussion or a stroke, so my sister took her up to the emergency room yesterday. Luckily- and frustratingly- they didn't find anything on the CT scan they did, but they did double down on advising her to stay and see a physical therapist, since she couldn't even lift her legs to do the CT scan. But she refused and checked herself out so she could go home.
My mom is the kind to put up a fight when it comes to her own health. It's endlessly frustrating, especially because she plays it like it's unimportant and she doesn't want to be a burden, etc. No amount of explaining the contrary seems to get through to her. I think we were unfortunately fooled by it when we were younger and would just let things be, but it's quickly becoming apparent that that's not an option anymore. I can't necessarily blame her on some fronts- she's been to countless doctors and specialists and either they've brushed her off, or tried treatments that either don't work or just make her pain work. She's finally started to get some doctors that actually know and care, but the damage is done- literally and figuratively.
It took her a while to be able to get the mix of medications she needed- pain meds, muscle relaxers, controlled substances for her pain and ADHD, etc. I'm happy she has it, but I've had a gut feeling for a while now that she's just kinda medicating to numb the pain and life in general, and using that as an excuse not to seek better treatment. She swears up and down she isn't, but I don't think there's been a single time in the past couple years that she hasn't ran out of her medications early, despite her doctor telling her not to take more than the recommended dosage. At first I tried to be understanding- I wasn't experiencing the pain, so I couldn't- and shouldn't- judge, but she's refused any and all other kinds of treatment since. All she ever wants are her pills. It still feels tricky, because, as someone with some conditions that only certain meds seem to help, I totally get it, but I also (albeit rather recently and begrudgingly myself) have started investing in other kinds of treatments lately too. Although I don't think she'd ever admit it, I also have the gut feeling that, whether she realizes it or not, she may be trying to kinda hasten the end in a way. It's becoming increasingly clear that she's quite depressed- her quality of life has plummeted since her diagnoses started getting bad, she lost her Dad a couple years ago and hasn't ever really recovered from that, and I've been learning more and more of her childhood trauma lately, but she refuses to see a therapist to talk about any of it; she gives the same excuse as when we ask her to quit smoking- "I'm too old for it to make a difference anyway." And in the case of smoking, at least, she kinda plays the guilt card of "it makes me happy and it helps with the pain".
I just don't know how to get her to care about herself, you know? Easier said than done, of course, but I do think that if she felt a little better about herself, then she may put a bit more effort into her recovery. But because of her past with her parents that I'm learning about, let alone with my abusive father, it feels like she's just given up. I live halfway across the country from her, and as much as I love my sister and nibling (they live with her), they have their own smorgasbord of issues that make it hard for them to be fully aware of my mom and her issues, let alone see through her attempts to brush off any form of care. My mom and I are so incredibly similar- physically, mentally, health-wise, etc., so I do feel like I just kinda understand her more than anyone else (it also has me worried for my health future, but that's a whole other post), and it's taken some real convincing to get my sister to take things seriously sometimes. Like, when she was on the ground for a couple minutes the other day, yelling for help, they said they did hear her, but figured it wasn't anything too important. Like- really? Not to discredit all she's done- she's certainly helped my mom with a lot, and picked her up off the floor when she falls, etc., but still. She helps, but she also believes my mom when she says she doesn't need help, or if she sees my mom struggling to get up and do something, won't just jump up and do it for her- things like emptying the cats' litterboxes or the dishwasher, etc.- things that are so easy for an able-bodied person like her to do, but so difficult for my mom to do. We're even trying to teach my nibling responsibility- they'll be 17 in a few weeks, and while on the spectrum, is still very smart and capable.
I don't know, man. My mom has, and will always be the most important person in my life, but I'm in a weird headspace recently of being worried for her 24/7, but also just burnt out. It doesn't feel exactly right to say that I don't care- I do and always will, but I've always been the mediator in the family- both sides of it- and people come to me with any and all of their problems, big or small, and ask me to help. I'm flattered, and I love to help people, but it's to the point where it's becoming a burden, especially when I've seemingly met my match. Not to mention the fact that I'm the type of person to prioritize other people's problems over my own, so it's all just piling up. There's really nothing more I can do- she needs to care about herself and prioritize herself, but she just doesn't seem willing to. And I'm terrified that the end is near; my family is kinda notorious for being healthy and then once an ailment of some kind hits, they decline rapidly and are gone within the year. Not to mention the fact that I'm halfway across the country, and can't do much to really help except harp on everyone to do things. I've considered moving back to be able to physically help, but that's no small feat either- I've built a life here, and while I can move all my things, I don't know if my boyfriend would really come with me (he's built a life here too, and his industry doesn't really exist where my mom lives). I'd like to think he would, but I couldn't blame him if he didn't.
Anyway. I don't know why I'm saying all this, honestly. Part of it is frustration- at the healthcare system, at my mom for not caring more about herself, at all the people through the years that convinced her not to care for herself, at myself for not doing more, etc. Part of it is fear of losing the person that means the most to me, and that horrible realization we all have at some point that nobody, regardless of importance, is invincible. Part of it is rethinking all my life lessons and my views of people- I still love and idolize my mom, but I'm seeing more and more how imperfect she is, and how her faults and flaws, however inadvertently, have led to a lot of my own. It's just a lot, and while it's definitely helping me be able to see what is and isn't important in life, it's also making it so I don't really have much, if any, energy left to really enjoy things anymore, you know? Feels like I haven't been able to focus on my writing or acting or any of the things that make me happy in quite a while, other than these little bits of plastic here and there. I know it'll all work out eventually, I just hope it's all for the better- or at least as good as it can be given the circumstances.