G.I. Joe Head Canon & Fanfic Filecards

82, I think:

Code Name: Mole Rat
File Name: Various
Primary Military Specialty: Infantry
Secondary Military Specialty: Sabotage
Birthplace: Various
Rank: Trooper Rank 0 (E-1 equivalent)

The official Lewis administration line is that the Mole Rat Corps does not exist. It is simply a rumor started by President Lewis's political enemies to accuse him of worker exploitation, environmental crimes, and other ridiculous claims that are unfounded and quite frankly, beneath the dignity of the office to discuss. Unofficially, the Mole Rats are a combination of low-ranking Cobra troopers who have demonstrated a lack of skill in other areas but a willingness to take on the worst of assignments supplemented by the occasional exploited labor force Lewis maintains to seek out new resources to exploit either for weaponization or profit. A recent dig, however, resulted in the worst biological disaster the Mole Rat Corps has ever encountered, and the men have had to be quarantined while the chemical they were exposed to is studied. According to initial reports via Dr. Mindbender, the chemical appears to make the men both increasingly pliable mentally but also far more durable physically, creating a kind of dim-witted but useful military resource. Long-term effects of the chemical remain unconfirmed, however.

"I've seen some awful stuff in my time. Chemical weapons that burn away skin and melts eyeballs right out of your skull. Stuff that will poison your family line for three generations. The Geneva Convention only applies to people who aren't powerful enough to ignore it, and now that Lewis is President of the United States, that's what he is. But he didn't make the stuff that turned those Mole Rat troopers into whatever they are now. I've never seen anything like it. You know I'm not a superstitious guy. I think everything has a logical answer. Low-Light and I saw it through our scopes that night, this glowing purple gas burbling up from the earth. We heard the men screaming. Then we heard their bones snapping and reshaping, could hear their flesh straining as clumps of... crystal? I don't know what it was, but it grew out of their skin. It was like someone cut clips from that Chernobyl show with scenes from the Thing. We threw our gas masks on and ran for the hills, man. I don't even think the masks would have done anything. I'll hear those screams til the day I die. But what was worse was after the screaming. The silence. And then the slow shuffling of footsteps..."
 
Last edited:
Ugh, but only because you did such a good job on the one I have the least interested in, heh. Who was that? The gas mask makes me wanna say Big Ben. The scope though... Oh! No, it's Shooter!

You're right! I didn't format Road Pig's card in my running file properly so he didn't show up in the total. Just fixed it. 81 it is. (They need to reveal more figures, I'm getting alarmingly close to the end of named Cobras...)
Heh, well, sneak in some not-yet-done names then. I can go through my one-a-day file for more, but off the top of my head...

Cadet Deming
Chameleon (probably the Energon version)
Dr. Venom
Decimator
Thrasher
Overkill (a couple versions)
Mistress Armada
Leila
Gristle
Zanzibar
Wraith
Voltar
Scalpel
then there's the Plague guys, but not sure you wanna touch them. Where you get a team with one-of-each of the specialists, led by Guillotine, the Eel.
And yeah, given I know most public works folks are really just doing their damndest to get stuff done, Cobra sabotage would particularly hit home.
Yeah. I make fun of them a lot, the 'orange shirts', which no one at work gets, but they do work hard, and come in like rabid piranhas every time we have a city-sponsored meal thing like the holiday party or employee appreciation events, so they eat and drink hard as well.
Somehow the Techno-Vipers might be the scariest yet just based on being able to essentially flip a switch and turn the whole country off. Even in our real world that would be an 'I win' card for a would-be authoritarian. Hell, it's WHY real life conservatives are destroying every failsafe against this.
For real... amazing that yet again, one of these cards is a great pitch for its own story.
Some of the embedded vipers I worry are TOO realistic, because we know bad actors are doing these very things. The Tele-Vipers and Techno-Vipers hit a little too close to home but I want to make even boring basic troopers feel capable and scary.
For real. Grape soda slurpers and basic scum are one thing, but the way Cobra set up some of these troops... Hama was really seeing where things were going.
 
Also, you could do some Cobras as specific characters with codenames, like the HISS Tactician or some of them. The HISS Fireteam could also be three unique individuals, high ranking guys under Bludd.
 
Ugh, but only because you did such a good job on the one I have the least interested in, heh. Who was that? The gas mask makes me wanna say Big Ben. The scope though... Oh! No, it's Shooter!
For once I actually know exactly who it is - Tunnel Rat! Recon mission on the Mole Rats that went bad.
Also, you could do some Cobras as specific characters with codenames, like the HISS Tactician or some of them. The HISS Fireteam could also be three unique individuals, high ranking guys under Bludd.
I was thinking about that - like I think I want the Stinger driver to be a named trooper who becomes Lewis's personal driver.
 
Also this is a good list to expand beyond who has a figure already.

Cadet Deming
Chameleon (probably the Energon version)
Dr. Venom
Decimator
Thrasher
Overkill (a couple versions)
Mistress Armada
Leila
Gristle
Zanzibar
Wraith
Voltar
Scalpel
then there's the Plague guys, but not sure you wanna touch them. Where you get a team with one-of-each of the specialists, led by Guillotine, the Eel.
 
The Geneva Convention only applies to people who aren't powerful to ignore it
I think you missed the word 'enough.' But maybe 'so powerful?' Regardless... gross and terrifying but in a more standard horror and less 'this is what's happening right now' kind of way. I'm still really not on board with zombies being brought into G.I. Joe, but I imagine if anyone can make it palatable to me, it's you.

I like some of the 'troopers' actually being individual characters. Especially since I know plenty of us played with them that way as kids.
 
For once I actually know exactly who it is - Tunnel Rat! Recon mission on the Mole Rats that went bad.
Hot damn, I was close (as far as making my way through the NIght Force roster, heh).
I was thinking about that - like I think I want the Stinger driver to be a named trooper who becomes Lewis's personal driver.
Yeah, that's a really good one. Would it be something related to 'stinger'?
Also this is a good list to expand beyond who has a figure already.
Thank you. I tend to hold back as I know I can get overwhelming when doing things like this, but if you want more, let me know. I imagine Ace is another who could give a lot of names.
I like some of the 'troopers' actually being individual characters. Especially since I know plenty of us played with them that way as kids.
And even then... like he is doing great with these guys as units, but sometimes if there isn't a good idea for that group as a whole, could always have the card focus on an individual from that unit. Like the Viper card could be about a specific Viper who has his own name or something, but is still part of the Vipers. Just to throw an idea out there.
 
I think you missed the word 'enough.' But maybe 'so powerful?' Regardless... gross and terrifying but in a more standard horror and less 'this is what's happening right now' kind of way. I'm still really not on board with zombies being brought into G.I. Joe, but I imagine if anyone can make it palatable to me, it's you.

I like some of the 'troopers' actually being individual characters. Especially since I know plenty of us played with them that way as kids.
Yep, you caught a missing word. I rewrote it a few ways "are so powerful they can ignore it/powerful enough to ignore/so powerful they can ignore it" and just biffed it on the word. Just went back to fix it. Appreciate the catch!

I don't love zombies in Joes in particular, but I'm having fun leaning in on the "Cobra Commander has that thing dictators have about thinking the occult is real and they can do something with it" and GI Joe has always had juuuust enough sci-fi in it I thought I'd test the waters with "weird gas mutates Cobra goombas" a bit.

As for named Cobras who aren't named, I have a Cobra officer character I'll use at some point because, selfishly, I've literally headcanoned my own copy of the figure a specific way, and I think the HISS tactition is a good option to be a named character. I also use the retro trooper as CC's nameless knife-man so I could foresee a card for him. And I think all the Python and Crimson versions are unique characters, too.
 
I don't love zombies in Joes in particular, but I'm having fun leaning in on the "Cobra Commander has that thing dictators have about thinking the occult is real and they can do something with it" and GI Joe has always had juuuust enough sci-fi in it I thought I'd test the waters with "weird gas mutates Cobra goombas" a bit.
Yeah, I think it works here. And the least irritating version of 'and we have zombies now' is probably the ones created through a science experiment/mistake that would have to be replicated to make more. I think my biggest issue with zombies is zombies being able to make new zombies - which just turns anything zombies appear in into full zombie fiction pretty immediately.
Also, I kind of like the idea (from my head, not that I thought you were implying this) that Cobra/Lewis now has to decide to use zombie troops as zombie troops, or harvest the crystals growing out of their bodies. Both have their potential, I imagine.


As for named Cobras who aren't named, I have a Cobra officer character I'll use at some point because, selfishly, I've literally headcanoned my own copy of the figure a specific way, and I think the HISS tactition is a good option to be a named character. I also use the retro trooper as CC's nameless knife-man so I could foresee a card for him. And I think all the Python and Crimson versions are unique characters, too.
HISS Tactition feels like someone that leads an entire HISS Battalion or something. The guy coordinating all the shots and planning how best to use armor on the field. Definitely only needs to be one of those guys.

If Python and Crimson are unique characters - are they 'decorated veterans' that got to wear unique colors but are attached to basic units, or do they get thrown into a unit together as 'Python Patrol?' But there can only ever be the one dude that's a Python Officer, and one dude that's a Trooper, etc?
As a kid, I always wanted a Python Viper or a Python Officer but never got one. To me, they were rank-and-file that were just so badass they got a unique uniform. Like Cobra's version of medals is to put you in a crazy outfit so everyone notices you all the time - including the Joes.
 
Goofily there are two “python patrol officers” who look entirely different with no troopers to command and my head canon is they don’t know who outranks who and are actively terrified of Copperhead. They’re basically my Cobra Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.
 
Is there a reason you spelled Techno-Viper correctly only once in the file? That once seemed like the typo, and the rest seemed like deliberate spellings.
 
Is there a reason you spelled Techno-Viper correctly only once in the file? That once seemed like the typo, and the rest seemed like deliberate spellings.

Nope, my vision is fucked and spell check thinks techo is a real word. Gonna go back and fix that.
 
(BTW, I'm halfway amused and annoyed at the fact that somehow techo made it past two spellchecks last night. My eyes not catching it, I can barely see my own dog when he's in the back yard at night, but TECHO??? I am shamed.)
 
Back
Top