G.I. Joe Head Canon & Fanfic Filecards

Damien said:
Love it. Works for me. Realistically, CC is an insane megalomaniac anyway. It is more than enough explanation that he once screamed "CALL THEM SSSSNOW SSSSSSERPENTSSSSS!" and everyone went "okie doke, he will absolutely shoot anyone that says that's not the best idea, so that is definitely the best idea."

"Ah Yes, you have graduated to become my finessssst Desssert Viperssss!"
"Does he know we call them Desert Scorpions?"
"I... I dunno, man. Just make some new uniforms and don't give these guys any of the mutated scorpions or something."
"And you, graduating classssss of '91, you will be the greatesssst of my Ice Vipersss!"
"Goddamn it...."
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Y'know, if every organization I've ever worked with was paying for the same product three times because nobody fucking talked to each other before paying for it, Cobra ABSOLUTELY would have three types of vipers doing the same thing but not communicating with each other.

I legit stressed myself out trying to figure out how to organize the Vipers. I think I know why Destro is so fucking pissed off all the time. He's the adult in the room.
 
You stressed yourself out but that allowed the solution to present itself more clearly: They really are just inefficient and insane.
 
Dessert Vipers sound awesome. My brother in law that's in prison sent my wife a letter today where he talked about Dessert Storm and I teased her that's what we should have called the big cookie competition she and her friends did the other night.
 
Code Name: Desert Scorpion
File Name: Various
Primary Military Specialty: Desert Operations
Secondary Military Specialty: Concealment and camouflage
Birthplace: Various
Rank: Cobra Trooper Mark 3 (Specialist)

Once upon a time, Desert Scorpions were considered the punishment unit in Cobra, where the insufferable, intractable rejects were sent to die or thrive. Over the years, that disorganized mess of insubordination has, under the leadership of one of their own, a man who goes by the codename Dervish Fang, become one of Cobra's most disciplined, lethal fighting forces. They survive some of the most brutal conditions on Earth, acting as saboteurs, insurrectionists, agents of chaos in volatile socio-political theaters of combat. After the election of Rexford Lewis, the Desert Scorpions were in essence given carte blanche under Fang to act with complete independence. They struck a deal with one of Cobra's own pet mad scientists to train giant mutant scorpions for use in battle, using the creatures as much for shock and awe as for actual mayhem. It is believed they choose their targets on Lewis's orders still, though all official channels have been scrubbed clean of evidence.

"We know Lewis keeps the Desert Scorpions on his payroll to escalate international conflicts in the Middle East and beyond - whenever his polling numbers start to flag, they stir up trouble so he can send in some of his loyal troops to quell the situation. The public loves nothing more than American missiles dropping in the desert. It's only gotten worse since they added aggressive mutant bugs to their arsenal - and every one of the soldiers themselves is an expert survivalist, sniper, and close-combat specialist. They were scary enough without the bugs. But I've met this Dervish Fang. There's something simmering beneath the surface. He has goals beyond those of Cobra and Lewis and I think he is training the Desert Scorpions to be the instrument of those goals. When we spoke, someone called him Jabal - but that can't be right. That family has been dead for years. I refuse to believe a dead man is leading a mercenary band of warriors across the desert sands."
 
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docsilence said:
Code Name: Desert Scorpion
File Name: Various
Primary Military Specialty: Desert Operations
Secondary Military Specialty: Concealment and camouflage
Birthplace: Various
Rank: Cobra Trooper Mark 3 (Specialist)

Once upon a time, Desert Scorpions were considered the punishment unit in Cobra, where the insufferable, intractable rejects were sent to die or thrive. Over the years, that disorganized mess of insubordination has, under the leadership of one of their own
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This is all brilliant. Great progression.
docsilence said:
, a man who goes by the codename Dervish Fang,
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Love it. I need his figure.
docsilence said:
become one of Cobra's most disciplined, lethal fighting forces. They survive some of the most brutal conditions on Earth, acting as saboteurs, insurrectionists, agents of chaos in volatile socio-political theaters of combat. After the election of Rexford Lewis, the Desert Scorpions were in essence given carte blanche under Fang to act with complete independence.
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Awesome. And terrifying.
docsilence said:
They struck a deal with one of Cobra's own pet mad scientists to train giant mutant scorpions for use in battle, using the creatures as much for shock and awe as for actual mayhem.
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Oh, no THIS was terrifying.
docsilence said:
It is believed they choose their targets on Lewis's orders still, though all official channels have been scrubbed clean of evidence.
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Probably relayed through Scar-Face, which is why he is a priority target.
docsilence said:
"We know Lewis keeps the Desert Scorpions on his payroll to escalate international conflicts in the Middle East and beyond - whenever his polling numbers start to flag, they stir up trouble so he can send in some of his loyal troops to quell the situation.
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This is all awful and awesome. Playing both sides, they just need proof!
docsilence said:
The public loves nothing more than American missiles dropping in the desert. It's only gotten worse since they added aggressive mutant bugs to their arsenal - and every one of them is an expert survivalist, sniper, and close-combat specialist.
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Perfect, yes. Baddest of the bad.
docsilence said:
But I've met this Dervish Fang. There's something simmering beneath the surface. He has goals beyond those of Cobra and Lewis and I think he is training the Desert Scorpions to be the instrument of those goals.
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Ooooo hot shit! That's what's great, everyone has their agenda. They align with Lewis... Until they don't.
docsilence said:
When we spoke, someone called him Jabal - but that can't be right. That family has been dead for years. I refuse to believe a dead man is leading a mercenary band of warriors across the desert sands."
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Holy shit... I gotta wiki this!
 
For background: the first file card for the Desert Scorpions paints them as idiots sent to die, but the V2 card sets them up as VERY deadly, so there's a canonical culture shift in the unit. That's where this file card took inspiration from.

Ru1977 said:
Love it. I need his figure.
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Technically he already exists - I named the unmasked Scorpion face and made him their commander.
 
docsilence said:
For background: the first file card for the Desert Scorpions paints them as idiots sent to die, but the V2 card sets them up as VERY deadly, so there's a canonical culture shift in the unit. That's where this file card took inspiration from.
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Brilliant through.
docsilence said:
Technically he already exists - I named the unmasked Scorpion face and made him their commander.
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Damnit, I was afraid of that heh.

But I think these guys are the first army builders I wasn't going to army build but your file made me wanna.
 
Ru1977 said:
Brilliant through.

Damnit, I was afraid of that heh.

But I think these guys are the first army builders I wasn't going to army build but your file made me wanna.
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I'll admit I picked up a second when the first was so amazing. I also want two scorpions to terrorize Dusty and Desert Snake Eyes.
 
docsilence said:
they added aggressive mutant bugs to their arsenal - and every one of them is an expert survivalist, sniper, and close-combat specialist.
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For the record, this makes it sound like the mutated scorpions are expert survivalists, snipers, and close-combat specialists. Which, I mean... that is also terrifying.

But seriously... this is awesome. And I love that it kind of went in a different direction that I anticipated. I was expecting something playing off the horror aspect of giant scorpions and rejects that basically exist in the desert until they die, surrounded by grotesqueries they barely control. Instead, you went full on with 'these guys are not just dangerous, they are efficient, capable, and driven.' Made one of my favorite ARAH figures ever even more badass than they already were in my head.


Ru1977 said:
But I think these guys are the first army builders I wasn't going to army build but your file made me wanna.
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Yeah, this is bullshit and I'm kinda mad about it. Maybe I'll go swing by EB and see if they still have that one I didn't buy because I already fucking had one and didn't fucking need a goddamn second one, DOCTOR.
 
Damien said:
For the record, this makes it sound like the mutated scorpions are expert survivalists, snipers, and close-combat specialists. Which, I mean... that is also terrifying.

But seriously... this is awesome. And I love that it kind of went in a different direction that I anticipated. I was expecting something playing off the horror aspect of giant scorpions and rejects that basically exist in the desert until they die, surrounded by grotesqueries they barely control. Instead, you went full on with 'these guys are not just dangerous, they are efficient, capable, and driven.' Made one of my favorite ARAH figures ever even more badass than they already were in my head.



Yeah, this is bullshit and I'm kinda mad about it. Maybe I'll go swing by EB and see if they still have that one I didn't buy because I already fucking had one and didn't fucking need a goddamn second one, DOCTOR.
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I should send this thread to Hasbro and be like "I'm convincing financially responsible adults to buy figures they don't want, HIRE ME"

(I cut out a few words from that sentence when I was moving text around, gonna update it. Thanks for the catch.)
 
docsilence said:
I should send this thread to Hasbro and be like "I'm convincing financially responsible adults to buy figures they don't want, HIRE ME"
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But like.... seriously. If I can get a line to someone at Hasbro to check out this thread, I'm definitely gonna. You've put several figures on my list that previously weren't (or that I was previously satisfied with only one of and now I need multiples...).
 
Damien said:
But like.... seriously. If I can get a line to someone at Hasbro to check out this thread, I'm definitely gonna. You've put several figures on my list that previously weren't (or that I was previously satisfied with only one of and now I need multiples...).
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I mean part of my character selection process has been "do not write a character who doesn't exist that will convince me to spend 85 dollars on the parts to make a custom of." I did Hector Ramirez cos I knew I'd want to make one and had the spare parts. I'm over here looking at Marvel parts to build Headman and lamenting Cesspool and Infiltrator are kinda impossible.
 
I get it because I'm basically over here begging them to make more figures I want because I value my nostalgic love for certain designs/characters over my financial well-being.
 
A grim Christmas file card:

Code Name: Sgt. Slaughter
File Name: Classified Top Secret
Primary Military Specialty: Infantry/Drill Instructor
Secondary Military Specialty: Survival Trainer
Birthplace: Parris Island, South Carolina
Rank: E-7

When the GI Joe Unit was disbanded, nearly every member accepted early retirement and was then placed under surveillance to watch for subversive activity. Rexford Lewis was genuinely shocked and delighted to learn that Sgt. Slaughter, drill sergeant of the stars, wished to remain on as a military liaison for the administration. Slaughter ostensibly retains his current rank, but is currently paid on a scale to match a high-ranking officer, plus consulting fees and payment for appearances at live events, online, and on television. His larger than life personality and outspoken demeanor has won over fans across the country and helped alleviate questions regarding the GI Joe disbandment. Lewis is considering Slaughter for a cabinet position, much to the annoyance of his own team and the chagrin of many supporters.

"You never truly know someone's heart until money becomes involved, I suppose. I've always known Slaughter to be a brave man, an honorable man, someone who does not leave his allies behind. But he has always enjoyed the taste of fame, and the deeds required of us to stop Lewis and his administration are things that must happen in the shadows. They are things that will make us look like villains, at times. Perhaps this was a bridge too far for him. A few of our men hope that Slaughter is playing the long game and that this is all a ruse to gain Lewis's trust; but we've seen little evidence to support this optimistic viewpoint. At this stage we must consider our old ally compromised. I just hope, when the real fighting starts, we never have to face him on the other side of the battlefield."

Personal commentary from Mercer: "He better be full of it. I didn't nearly get myself killed defecting from Cobra to join that man to have him turn his back on us. But if it turns out this is all true, I'll take him down myself. That's a promise."
 
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