The Relationship Overshare Thread

joshsquash729 said:
Ru, I saw you said you were taking Wellbutrin. I just started the generic version myself, and it seems to be working mostly well, but I'm curious about your experience with it, if you're willing to share? No worries if not.
Click to expand...
Yes, I am always one who hesitates to share if you didn't notice!

I actually stopped it shortly before the breakup, so I haven't been on it since 2004. Before and after I did a lot of self medicating, as in drinking. But while on it, I feel like it did even me out as far as steady mood but lessened the severity of the ups and downs. So not as extreme. And I remember at the time I refused prozac because I still wanted to feel and not hinder my writing.

Edit: just noticed it changed my "it did even me out" to "didn't", which is the opposite what I meant. And I'm bad at proofreading my posts right away.
 
Last edited:
God, men are so weird. Got into a very bizarre situation regarding my girlfriend's (now former) friend that I'd be hard pressed to call drama, but it's just got me thinking.

Why the hell are men so often such self-entitled assholes when it comes to women? With all the self-victimizing and melodrama, they're less man, and more of a sentient soap opera.
 
I know it's really just common patriarchy stuff, and that this specific situation is incredibly common, but it's my first time personally seeing a guy knowingly destroy a years long friendship with a woman over it. I didn't think forethought needed to be taught.
 
Certainly patriarchy, certainly peacocking. It's that deeply ingrained toxic masculinity- men are taught to not only show off around women but not show any sort of emotion deemed negative (ie "feminine" or "not masculine")- no tenderness, no crying, certainly no relenting. On the rare occasion they do, they make it clear that it's a special occasion and then return to their protector/provider mode. Even in times of distress, I think a lot of men are built on the notion that they should always come out on top, because admitting fault is to lose, and to lose a fight means you're weak. So they literally just don't know how to handle in a healthy manner a lot of the emotions that come with not getting their way, and since a lot of guys are also taught to view women of any sort as disposable and replaceable, they don't fight to save the relationship.

Obligatory "not all men" mention, of course, but that's the gist of a lot of the conversations with my lady friends. Being gay doesn't afford me a lot, but it does allow for some fun boy talk with the gals. Sorry you guys lost a friend, Niko, but it sounds like your life might be better off without him.
 
joshsquash729 said:
Certainly patriarchy, certainly peacocking. It's that deeply ingrained toxic masculinity- men are taught to not only show off around women but not show any sort of emotion deemed negative (ie "feminine" or "not masculine")- no tenderness, no crying, certainly no relenting. On the rare occasion they do, they make it clear that it's a special occasion and then return to their protector/provider mode. Even in times of distress, I think a lot of men are built on the notion that they should always come out on top, because admitting fault is to lose, and to lose a fight means you're weak. So they literally just don't know how to handle in a healthy manner a lot of the emotions that come with not getting their way, and since a lot of guys are also taught to view women of any sort as disposable and replaceable, they don't fight to save the relationship.

Obligatory "not all men" mention, of course, but that's the gist of a lot of the conversations with my lady friends. Being gay doesn't afford me a lot, but it does allow for some fun boy talk with the gals. Sorry you guys lost a friend, Niko, but it sounds like your life might be better off without him.
Click to expand...

That all absolutely roots into this, though there's also a very common flavor of this kind of guy that's... too emotionally open? Though in a way that's always vague, always roundabout, not truly open or vulnerable. Constantly talking about how terrible "things" are for them and nothing else. Self-deprecating as a response to anything, usually resulting in rejection and social problems, and repeating to turn into a big cycle. I can't say they're always explicitly incels so I won't use that term, but some certainly are. This guy falls into this category hard.

I can feel some form of sympathy, besides patriarchy this is all just mental health problems... But there's only so much sympathy I can give when there's no clear attempt to keep the worst of those habits in check.

Luckily we're both pretty well off, she's a little sad, but mostly just annoyed at the prospect of men being Men again. I only ever talked to him briefly, mostly just helping him out with a few hobby things that are my area of expertise. This entire situation only escalated because he was very randomly upset by my existence and that I dislike, of all things, a couple newer monster movies. Ultimately I could not be happier about having a guy like that gone, from her life and mine. Most people should be able to manage that behavior to some extent by this age.

I'm a bit out of the loop with most cis/het people, given I'm mostly in circles of almost exclusive LGBT 20-somethings (of which I am myself). Thanks a bunch though! I appreciate the input.
 
Niko (protozoalord) said:
That all absolutely roots into this, though there's also a very common flavor of this kind of guy that's... too emotionally open? Though in a way that's always vague, always roundabout, not truly open or vulnerable. Constantly talking about how terrible "things" are for them and nothing else. Self-deprecating as a response to anything, usually resulting in rejection and social problems, and repeating to turn into a big cycle. I can't say they're always explicitly incels so I won't use that term, but some certainly are. This guy falls into this category hard.

I can feel some form of sympathy, besides patriarchy this is all just mental health problems... But there's only so much sympathy I can give when there's no clear attempt to keep the worst of those habits in check.

Luckily we're both pretty well off, she's a little sad, but mostly just annoyed at the prospect of men being Men again. I only ever talked to him briefly, mostly just helping him out with a few hobby things that are my area of expertise. This entire situation only escalated because he was very randomly upset by my existence and that I dislike, of all things, a couple newer monster movies. Ultimately I could not be happier about having a guy like that gone, from her life and mine. Most people should be able to manage that behavior to some extent by this age.

I'm a bit out of the loop with most cis/het people, given I'm mostly in circles of almost exclusive LGBT 20-somethings (of which I am myself). Thanks a bunch though! I appreciate the input.
Click to expand...
That's a tricky thing. I've known a few people like that in my life, and while I don't think I was ever quite that bad, I certainly had my phase where, looking back now, I realize I was kinda off my rocker a bit. I had no idea how to not only process some traumas I'd been through, but also just process them in a healthy way; I was taught not to burden people with my problems, that they wouldn't care, etc., and also just mentioning some of the things out loud, acknowledging they'd happened at all, made me kinda spiral more. So I'd just kinda get attention however I could, just to know that people saw me and cared. I had no idea how exhausting I was being because, to me, I was finally seen for the first time. I can honestly say it was always a very real attempt to connect with people, I just went about it all the wrong ways.

Looking back from a healthier place, I feel so much embarrassment and shame about how I acted. I'm not proud of it, but I'm glad it happened in a weird way and that I learned from it. Obviously I'm not saying that's what's going on with him, and even if it is, it doesn't excuse his actions. It's kinda jarring how many of our actions can be traced back to trauma of some kind, but like you said, there's gotta be some accountability there. I'm a person who can excuse a lot- probably more than I should- just as long as there's awareness there and a willingness to admit fault and want to change.

Still, I've always felt people come into our lives for a reason, even if it's just to teach a lesson. Everyone serves a purpose, even in a roundabout way. With any luck, you and your girlfriend will learn something from it and keep growing as awesome people, and hopefully one day he'll be able to learn from it too.

Sorry for rambling and getting schmaltzy; I just love figuring out how people work.
 
Very delayed as I've been busy (Thanksgiving, and adopted a new kitty) but no worries! If I didn't want rambly or schmaltzy, I wouldn't go to forums. I love pondering people's inner workings sometimes, as well.

Having a very embarrassing and shameful period of life is just a staple of the human experience, it's how we learn. I've been there myself as well. Not as bad as this guy I don't think, but certainly bad in general. I was a huge attention seeker when I was in middle school, and any time I get reminded of it it feels like I got shot in the gut.

I'm with you, I've been through a lot of strange experiences and people who always felt like their presence addressed an active issue I've been having at that point to finally beat a lesson into my head. This is the first time in a long while where I'm not sure what I should be learning here, though-- to trust my own intuition? To be up front about worries I have like this? Not really sure. But it turned out well at least.

Regardless, we're both doing a lot better now! It's the holiday season now, my birthday is coming up in two weeks and Hannukah starts then as well, and we got lots of plans and movie binges ongoing for the season. Only good things coming up!
 
Quarterly dating report.

Met a woman who gave me her info and did all the clear communication. Two weeks in told me she had a "partner" and wasn't sure what she wanted.

Nope. Bye.

Met another woman who approached me through my art. Was local. Invested a week of communication and a meet up before she told me she was married 16 years, but really felt connected to me. After a week and looking at my art at an event.

Bye.

20 year old classmate confessed feelings to me, but feels bad because she's been with her boyfriend since Covid.

Batman vanish, destroy bridge.

Friend of a friend approaches me by getting my number because of a fleeting meeting earlier this summer. The Old Ways. Hit it off. We talk about everything on a coffee date, life, universe, everything.

We start talking about the Algorithm and social media, and I mention how I hate that I just want to look at cats and music and comics, but Insta loves to throw thirst traps in. Like OnlyFans tier bait. She asked me why that would make me uncomfortable if I'm a man.

I said I just wasn't interested in unsolicited content. If I'm following Brie Larson and Brie Larson wants to post that sure. I have already expressed an interest in Brie Larson. Some random twitch streamer girl I do not know and do not care to know? No I don't want to see your ass on my screen.

And I think I've mentioned before a lot of people are posting boudoir shots with their art, and I'm just wholly uninterested cuz I just want to see the art.

So then she called me misogynist and that women aren't doing it for men. They are just doing it for themselves. And autistically, I said, there's no way because they're posting it on social media for other people to see and engage with, that in itself has to be seeking validation and attention and cannot just be for yourself. If you're doing it for yourself, you're probably not posting it on social media. But also I'm not s*** shaming or even blaming the people who want to put content out (men also do it). I'm saying my personal boundary is I didn't consent to seeing that in my feed and it really does make me feel uncomfortable.

But I'm misogynist.

So that's how that ended.

Wouldn't play it differently, I don't think.
 
Fair enough, I support you standing by who you are and how you see it and I don't really see an issue with your stance. I also don't like unsolicited ass in my face. The other day my brother in law showed me some boudoir shot, like a few inches from my face (and my eyes aren't as good as they used to be, so he could have been flashing a picture of an AMAZING Boba Fett costume, but that close to my eyes is gonna get my back up no matter what), and he said "Do you think that's AI?" And I told him I don't see why that matters since, given the look on his face, it got him plenty titillated either way. He was clearly actively imagining stuff with her. And I'm not even saying that's a bad thing, but clearly it's gonna happen. So, I tend to think posting those things are for guys like him. And he's not a total scumbag, but he is definitely materialistic and wholly into objectifying.

Anyways.... I never went to college, but I would think the guys who see such a thing and think "she's hot" rather than "what a great photograph" or even "Ugh, man, I don't need random ass in my face" are closer to misogynist.
 
In the longer version she seemed to take it very personal because she likes to post fitness selfies of herself on some secondary account. Which again I'm not judging. In fact, by my own rules since we had hit it off that wouldn't have been a problem if that had rolled into my feed. I think I just nicked a vein, but I can't do that work for them.
 
I respect that. Better to keep away from relationships where beliefs are on rocky grounds, anyways.

Instagram is kinda evil, all I like on there is action figure posts and my girlfriend's renders and stuff like that. But my "recommended" page is half just thirst traps. And I'm totally fine with that myself, it can be good for the self-esteem, I have plenty of friends who do similar. But it's kinda impossible to totally separate "posing half-naked and putting it publicly online" from the online masses who don't know how to filter or control their urges at all. Plus posing in underwear next to your art is literally just for an algorithm and interaction boost. It's what Instagram pushes, that's the entire reason you'd do that in this day and age. That's not to say it's a bad thing, though.

I had something similar happen when the "man or bear" thing trended on TikTok, and an ex brought it up asking for my opinion. She got very mad when I told her I think it's reductive of a topic that should be taken seriously, and that I find it socially unacceptable to ask someone (especially a stranger) whether they'd prefer if you got raped or if you got killed, even with good intent.
 
altcunningham said:
So then she called me misogynist and that women aren't doing it for men. They are just doing it for themselves. And autistically, I said, there's no way because they're posting it on social media for other people to see and engage with, that in itself has to be seeking validation and attention and cannot just be for yourself. If you're doing it for yourself, you're probably not posting it on social media. But also I'm not s*** shaming or even blaming the people who want to put content out (men also do it). I'm saying my personal boundary is I didn't consent to seeing that in my feed and it really does make me feel uncomfortable.
Click to expand...
Honestly I'd probably enjoy the random thirst traps more if 1) they were women closer to my own age (I appreciate a fit 20 something as much as anyone aesthetically, but please, I'm ~twice their age, it's weird), 2) it didn't totally start dominating your feed the moment you linger for a second too long on one. I feel like once a week I have to remind the algorithm I want cats, art, and making stuff a lot more than I want a young lady making that awful anime cross-eyed face.

And like, I get why the algorithm sends me there occassionally. I like well done cosplay/costume stuff, so occassionally it thinks "oh, you like SEXY cosplay stuff", and like, uhm, not exactly my robot friend, try again. "Oh, you pay attention to this one designer whenever she's doing a fit check" yes, because I enjoy suits tailored to the micron on literally anybody, why did you forget I also linger on that one guy who does similar fit checks??? Why am I not getting him anymore?

Honestly I should just go to Hannah Fry's page and like everything there so if the algorithm wants to send me anywhere it'll be to an age-appropriate Cockney redhead who'll tell me science facts.
 
Last edited:
I think the consent issue for me is I've had, frankly, SA or just handsy situations in the past where "You're a 6'3" big dude, why would t you want this behaviour?"

But again, this is just me, I don't fault those who engage. Hell, I'm told to do it by several people because as Niko said, it is the game, and I've been told what qualities I have to exploit. It just feels Eh, to me, but is it autism or something. This is where I dwell.

And maybe being... Demi, something, I need a connection (even if it's just like Brie Larson telling a joke on a stream) to even begin to want to develop any sort of feeling.

Even here, you guys are real people because of all the sidetracking, not just Toy Updates.

Anyway! My big takeaway is why does everyone who pursues me with intent have a relationship. At least I must be attractive. It's just not what I'm after.
 
That's the thing about these damned algorithms...they cannot really *know* me. Sure, I like a tasteful picture of a beautiful woman, but that doesn't mean I want to see every damned female on your freaking platform! Yeah, I love lots of metal bands, but that doesn't mean I ONLY listen to metal! I love action figures, but that doesn't mean I want to see EVERY action figure picture possible. I honestly hate about half of what is "recommended" to me on various sites. To me algorithms are reductionist nonsense that have a fairly high failure rate, at least in regards to me.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top