That all absolutely roots into this, though there's also a very common flavor of this kind of guy that's... too emotionally open? Though in a way that's always vague, always roundabout, not truly open or vulnerable. Constantly talking about how terrible "things" are for them and nothing else. Self-deprecating as a response to anything, usually resulting in rejection and social problems, and repeating to turn into a big cycle. I can't say they're always explicitly incels so I won't use that term, but some certainly are. This guy falls into this category hard.
I can feel some form of sympathy, besides patriarchy this is all just mental health problems... But there's only so much sympathy I can give when there's no clear attempt to keep the worst of those habits in check.
Luckily we're both pretty well off, she's a little sad, but mostly just annoyed at the prospect of men being Men again. I only ever talked to him briefly, mostly just helping him out with a few hobby things that are my area of expertise. This entire situation only escalated because he was very randomly upset by my existence and that I dislike, of all things, a couple newer monster movies. Ultimately I could not be happier about having a guy like that gone, from her life and mine. Most people should be able to manage that behavior to some extent by this age.
I'm a bit out of the loop with most cis/het people, given I'm mostly in circles of almost exclusive LGBT 20-somethings (of which I am myself). Thanks a bunch though! I appreciate the input.
That's a tricky thing. I've known a few people like that in my life, and while I don't
think I was ever quite that bad, I certainly had my phase where, looking back now, I realize I was kinda off my rocker a bit. I had no idea how to not only process some traumas I'd been through, but also just process them in a healthy way; I was taught not to burden people with my problems, that they wouldn't care, etc., and also just mentioning some of the things out loud, acknowledging they'd happened at all, made me kinda spiral more. So I'd just kinda get attention however I could, just to know that people saw me and cared. I had no idea how exhausting I was being because, to me, I was finally seen for the first time. I can honestly say it was always a very real attempt to connect with people, I just went about it all the wrong ways.
Looking back from a healthier place, I feel so much embarrassment and shame about how I acted. I'm not proud of it, but I'm glad it happened in a weird way and that I learned from it. Obviously I'm not saying that's what's going on with him, and even if it is, it doesn't excuse his actions. It's kinda jarring how many of our actions can be traced back to trauma of some kind, but like you said, there's gotta be some accountability there. I'm a person who can excuse a lot- probably more than I should- just as long as there's awareness there and a willingness to admit fault and want to change.
Still, I've always felt people come into our lives for a reason, even if it's just to teach a lesson. Everyone serves a purpose, even in a roundabout way. With any luck, you and your girlfriend will learn something from it and keep growing as awesome people, and hopefully one day he'll be able to learn from it too.
Sorry for rambling and getting schmaltzy; I just love figuring out how people work.
