G.I. Joe Classified One-A-Day Beamish-Style Figure Poll - #86 - Red Scream (Extreme)/Ghost Bear (Valor Vs Venom)

Claymore had a late 80's direct to VHS action movie made about him, self funded. Written by him, directed by him, actions scenes choreographed by him, music by him, and starring him. And featuring the cheapest Penthouse Pets they could get to play all seven of his love interests that, for reasons unknown, all somehow ended up with their shirts off within 2 minutes of initial screen time. The film has a name like Hard Killer, Maximum Target, Killer Impact, Target Impact, Maximum Impact or Target Hard.

Featured on Red Letter Media Best of the Worst.
 
Spongyblue said:
Claymore had a late 80's direct to VHS action movie made about him, self funded. Written by him, directed by him, actions scenes choreographed by him, music by him, and starring him. And featuring the cheapest Penthouse Pets they could get to play all seven of his love interests that, for reasons unknown, all somehow ended up with their shirts off within 2 minutes of initial screen time. The film has a name like Hard Killer, Maximum Target, Killer Impact, Target Impact, Maximum Impact or Target Hard.

Featured on Red Letter Media Best of the Worst.
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About 25 years ago, a buddy of mine (who had screenwriter aspirations) was rooming with the son of a sleazy low-budget movie producer, and talked his way into writing the script for a feature. That feature wound up being EXACTLY what you just described, minus the writing and directing. Like the crackpot star demanded that his character, an assassin in training (I believe the title was “Lessons of an Assassin”) have a book on tantric sex highly visible on the table by his character’s bed, for no reason other than that he wanted to make it clear his character was good at fucking. I heard all kinds of insane narcissistic shit from the production, and my buddy never had another screenplay produced EVER.
 
AceofKnaves said:
About 25 years ago, a buddy of mine (who had screenwriter aspirations) was rooming with the son of a sleazy low-budget movie producer, and talked his way into writing the script for a feature. That feature wound up being EXACTLY what you just described, minus the writing and directing. Like the crackpot star demanded that his character, an assassin in training (I believe the title was “Lessons of an Assassin”) have a book on tantric sex highly visible on the table by his character’s bed, for no reason other than that he wanted to make it clear his character was good at fucking. I heard all kinds of insane narcissistic shit from the production, and my buddy never had another screenplay produced EVER.
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Completely unrelated but from the "I was a victim of indie filmmaking" vault: I was once in an experimental indie film, only had one scene. Filming at a private residence, an "acquaintance" of the writer/director (a very lovely person, rocking the non-binary life like 15 years before the terminology hit the mainstream, had "Bowie if Bowie were shy and not confident" vibes).

So it's me and these two younger actresses. We were using this house because I was playing a photographer and this guy had all his gear set up. During a break in filming one of the actresses is looking for a I think a spot to change? Anyway, they send her into a walk-in closet and as she walks in, one of those clear plastic tupperware crates falls off the shelf and probably between 50-75 dildos come falling out of the sky like dick-shaped meteors.

One of them hits the floor, TURNS ON, and starts to RATTLE AND SHIMMY across the floor. The actress looks to me, then to the director, then to her costar, and starts laughing her ass off because what else do you do when you're suddenly knee-deep in realistic vibrators, right? And the cinematographer turns to the director and says: WHAT KIND OF PHOTOGRAPHY DOES THIS GUY DO????

Anyway, John "Claymore" Zullo would own a house like that, because he's an excellent photographer, too, he's won awards. Some of his work is hanging up in the Looooovray.
 
docsilence said:
"I was a victim of indie filmmaking"
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Heheheh.
I was a “featured zombie extra” in Zombie Strippers with Jenna Jameson and Robert Englund. I taught the other zombies how to hold the green tooth-coloring in their mouths until it became green-black goo, and then let it drool out the mouth like the Penguin from Batman Returns. I was very popular on that set. I still have the shirt they cut open on my body so they could attach a disembodied heart to me with stringy guts so I could hold it in my hand.
 
AceofKnaves said:
I was a “featured zombie extra” in Zombie Strippers with Jenna Jameson and Robert Englund. I taught the other zombies how to hold the green tooth-coloring in their mouths until it became green-black goo, and then let it drool out the mouth like the Penguin from Batman Returns. I was very popular on that set. I still have the shirt they cut open on my body so they could attach a disembodied heart to me with stringy guts so I could hold it in my hand.
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I had my head molded so it could be cut off in one film, and another I got disemboweled so they had to take a mold of my chest for the FX, and having an art student I'd never met smoothing freezing cold alginate over my chest was one of the weirdest things I ever got paid for.
Spongyblue said:
Two time winner of National Geographic's "Cover of the Year", Three time winner of SWANK magazine "Centerfold spread of the Year".
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Claymore has photos of himself in the style of Burt Reynolds' Playgirl spread hanging up in his own bedroom.
 
docsilence said:
having an art student I'd never met smoothing freezing cold alginate over my chest was one of the weirdest things I ever got paid for.
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The sfx crew cut my shirt open while it was on my body, took one look at my chest and went “ohhhhh fuck if we knew we were gonna do this to you, we’d have told you to shave”. I’m very Neal Adams Batman in the chest area, so yikes. I said “fuck it, let’s do it anyway, I’ll shave tonight after we wrap and it’ll be easier tomorrow”.
FUCK ME. I paid for that bravado for MONTHS. My skin went into a revolt that I can only compare to Gerard Butler’s buttstink makeup in The Phantom of the Opera, but between my nipples. Gross.
 
AceofKnaves said:
The sfx crew cut my shirt open while it was on my body, took one look at my chest and went “ohhhhh fuck if we knew we were gonna do this to you, we’d have told you to shave”. I’m very Neal Adams Batman in the chest area, so yikes. I said “fuck it, let’s do it anyway, I’ll shave tonight after we wrap and it’ll be easier tomorrow”.
FUCK ME. I paid for that bravado for MONTHS. My skin went into a revolt that I can only compare to Gerard Butler’s buttstink makeup in The Phantom of the Opera, but between my nipples. Gross.
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I DID shave my chest for it, but some if the plaster ran down into my armpit and that was a horrific walk home from the studio.
 
Day 84 - Wide Scope (GI Joe Vs Cobra) (12/5/25)

Continuing with never-done-in-Classified characters, how about a buddy for Shockwave? From 2003 comes another SWATy, Wide Scope! He also has a dog (Lamont), so he's like if Shockwave and Mutt had a baby.

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